The Adventures of ZuperZue

Did The Citizen Thang

2010-05-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

So... I voted.

Results? Disappointing...

To me, anyone who cries down someone else in order to look better than them is a failure from the start.

Do I care much? Not really...

The sad thing is that in such a colourful nation, we're full of racism... sigh.

Unfortunately, with the new party in power,... racism card has played oh too well... and I fear what's next...

Also - fyi - ran 4 miles today ... ;) I'm on my way to UWI half marathon!

In Need of a Reality Slap

2010-04-26T10:21:00.002-04:00

So when exactly am I going to get it?

I'm putting on weight...

Missing gym is critical to the I n I's wellbeing...

I hate weight... fat is the enemy...

ZuperBigBro hit me a reality slap... after my stint in Uni with my plain-talk roomie, honest and unbiased feedback is super appreciated... and you know the Big M... that's his life credo!

(M after meeting): So... you put on weight?

Z: well... I guess... I missed gym for 3 weeks and I eat like a pig... soo...

M: Yep - I was sitting opposite you and well, yeah... you're gaining weight... so...

Z: Yep... I gotcha...

Even after that... no gym this morning?!?!?!?!? What is wrong???

The hugging up is soooooooooooo nice on mornings... *blush*

But who wants to hug up a fattie fatball?

*puke*

I hate fat... but apparently not enough!

GET IT TOGETHER ZU!

Gotta set a goal, get motivation, and get my RAS up and just do it... (sorry Nike)

Back at one...

2010-04-21T10:53:00.002-04:00

So thank da Lord day 4 never came to fruition and it dissipated to a day 1... amen!

Never again...

Day 3...

2010-04-14T11:03:00.001-04:00

... and counting (?!)

I'm not backing down... not giving in.

I'm standing for what I stand for... and if this means the end... then the end it will be.

Frig.

I'm not gonna cry...

2010-04-13T07:09:00.002-04:00

While all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself...

I would stop breathing if you told me to, now you're busy loving someone else - 11 years out of my life... besides the kids I have nothing to show

Wasted my years, a fool a wife

I shoulda left your a$$ long time agooooo

- ok ok... it's the lyrics to a song and no, there is no real meaning behind it... it's just in my head :)

But one thing is for sure - I'm NOT GONNA CRY today... nope... no matter what... I'm promising myself that.

I'm strong... and I won't shed a tear.

And if I do... God, let it be in private. Let my tears not be used for manipulation.

Just when is compromise too much? When should you stop? Does anyone really know, anyways? I doubt it...

Is my perception really my reality?

If I feel disrespected, did he/she really disrespect me?

Who the frick cares... I feel it, so it is so.

Why should I have to sit back and reevaluate the situation? Why can't you?

I said I don't like it... whether you understand it or not... I still don't. So why the frick are you going ahead with it?

You will never truly understand someone else... or can you?

Who cares!

Every single interaction is a give and take... sure... so TAKE.

I'm not hurt... I'm mad as heck :)

And I don't give a frick if you're mad too - cuz I don't care to hear you. And I'm not sorry. Sorry.

I know if I hear you - I'd understand you... but the mere fact that you either can't hear me or understand me... well, that prevents me from even starting that process.

You feel the same way? Ah well... shucks.

Let's see how today turns out.

What I really want

2010-04-12T06:59:00.002-04:00

Have you ever sat in silence for 10 minutes or so and thought about exactly what you want?

Seems silly - right? But seriously... what do I want?

Thing with that question is that after you've figured it out, you sorta look at yourself - your life - and see if you are aligning your path with that of trekking to what you want.

I've always envisioned myself to be a way... a certain way by the time I'm 18, 20, 25, 30, 40... three of those have past and I'm not keen on my alignments to my goals.

Truth is, I'm not unhappy... I forgive myself for foolish decisions, but I don't think they were too destructive, however they just weren't where I thought I should be.

But why am I surprised? All those tiny decisions - to sleep half hour extra this morning, to date a bad-boy, to attend a local University - those tiny things that have helped me (get a bit extra rest today, learn what a really good guy is supposed to be... while having a little fun, and getting a super-Masters degree)... well, they've all led to me being here! Just right here, right now.

Those same things, though, have led me here... right here, right now... fatter than I could have been, broken-hearted and with possible trust issues still, and grabbing the first job shot at me because the stigma that surrounds going to a local Uni... (long story on that one...).

This has led me to really start thinking - ok Zue... you're 26 now... where do you see yourself before hitting 27? 30? 40? How do you want to look, what do you want to be doing, how do you want to feel?

I've pointed out a couple things thus far... and some of them are compromised alignments... they're paths that lead to the same goal, just on a slightly more twirly, bumpy route. And with the experience I've had thus far, I think those bumps are just inevitable... in fact... they should be desirable! Still not to hot on the twirls... still working that out (anybody have Gravol?!?!)

Think of a bow and arrow... how the heck am I to hit my target without first aligning and aiming that mofo arrow, and then proceeding to stretch that mofo bow beyond its comfy limit? Taut and tense... if you just aim and align the arrow, it will go nowhere... well, it may fall to the floor or stay still (depending on if you keep it in your hand or not), but it certainly will go nowhere near your target.

So Zue... got your targets?

...well... I think I got a couple... gotta still think about them some more...

Ready to align yourself?

Uh... I said to let me think some more!

Alright... well, that's just a reminder to the next step... Reposition Yourself, Woman!

And don't forget... down the road there'll be pulling and tugging and tension... but it's what is required to propel you to that goal.

Zue zips off to having a 10 minute meeting with herself... hope she doesn't have a .ppt to go with it!

Deliciously Excruitiating

2010-03-02T11:30:00.002-04:00

So Mr. Right has a boss who loves to visit Trinidad - or so it seems... the guy is here nearly monthly for work. Anywhoo... whenever he comes, he takes M.R. and myself out for dinner. Last month he couldn't - well, he took M.R. out but I was out of the country.

*Ooooooooo...klahoma where the la la lalalalala....*

Yep... anyways, so knowing he had a hectic schedule he asked that we meet him as soon as he gets to the gets in the country. Mind you, that was 9 in the night, but we said sure, why the feck not.

The only restaurant (that we like) open at that hour - God Bless him - was Jaffa's...

Let

me

tell

you

I had the green thai curry shrimp

de

lish

He had the tuna sushi...

de

lish

er

Omg...

Now why would I say "excruitiating" in the Title?

Well, entertaining a very talkative, busy-body native Louisianan can be taxing at 10pm. We're so different it was hard to find topics to talk about - well, except for the fact that we have food in common - he cooks alot, I eat alot. M.R. could go on and on about work... but with me it's just taxing - especially when you talk to someone who really isn't listening - they like to hear themselves talk more than anything.

But bless him... he's a good guy, he means well, and we had a blast - as we do each time.

But still, for some reason, I get a pang when I hear "Oh G wants to take us out when he comes in tonight"...

It's like on Batman

*POW* * BANG!* *OOF!*

All in my head... why I smile and reply: Oh, how nice :)

This is an extremely and pleasantly mild case of how I am... I just simply MUST make someone smile, or please them... it's my number 1 flaw (sometimes).

As Alanis says:

Is it my calling to keep on when i'm unable

And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre

And my generosity has me disabled

By this my sense of duty to offer

Back to work, Zu... gotta ensure I'm on top of the game

MIA (?!)

2010-02-24T11:45:00.002-04:00

Yes, I've been MIA...

though that abbreviation has double meaning for me these days... let me tell you why:

I'm employed! Whoo hoo! Yep - I'm a money-maker once again. *ca-ching*

After graduating, I had a month to play with - and by play, I mean maximise my (newly unlimited) access to Directv. I watched every movie, followed every series... man, DVR ROCKS!

Now this month wasn't in vain... during this time, Marzipan (Bellz) came to visit and we had a TIME. I also had gotten (while Bellz was here) confirmation to my acceptance in a postgrad study of MEOR at DTU in Copenhagen! I was thrilled... and so the rest of the month was relaxing... I knew I had somewhere to go, and it was just a long nice vacay for me.

I still had hopes for the Monster to hire me though... I mean, I kicked ras as an intern there, why the heck not!?

BAM!

Got an interview with Monster.

Otay otay... things looking swanky...

Totally (not really) unrelated, I joined the national dragonboat team training sessions - one of which was a run around the Savannah on casual ordinary Wednesday afternoon.

Being antisocial as I am *teehee* I was super early (no wok = arrive on time or earlier!) and even though I saw another teammate there, I stayed in the car pretending to tie my shoes...

She comes over....

We talk....

It was nice... she's cool....

Teammate: "So how come you here so early?"

Zupes: "Well, I'm just now finished with my studies and should be graduating .... so it's home a-waiting for me!"

T: "Wait... what did you study by chance?"

Z: "Petroleum Eng..."

T: "Oh my - would you like a job?!"

:) :) :)

Interview the following week, job offer two days later!

And here I am... a Well Planner I...

based in Monster!

All that to say that yes, MIA is no longer simply "missing in action"... it's also - and much more used by me these days:

Measured Depth, Inclination, Azimuth!

Love you all... see you again tomorrow!

*Zuper zoomz to her flaxseed bread sandwich - sniffling - to do some reading to get up to speed up in da grill*

Ah Swipe off the 'S' offa Superman Chess, so Doh Tess

2009-08-12T11:13:00.003-04:00

Heck, ANYONE can be Jamaican when it comes to Blog Titles!

Soooooooooooo

I'm going through some sorta test... it has to be. IT HAS TO BE. There is no way on earth that what is happening around me is "just the way it is". I refuse to believe it. So don't try to tell me otherwise...

Awrite... maybe you can try, and maybe I'd listen... but!

Anyways - I had a super duper weekend with the fam and folk at a wonderful house in the hills just before Maracas Bay... it was most relaxing, enjoyable and filling!

I should've known this was a well deserved calm before a storm...

*You mean the tornado that hit Central on the Sunday?!*

Er... well, no. (But what the heck! Tornado in TnT?!) I mean, a more personal, internal storm...

Monday morning, and I'm bright and chirpy (with dark hair! sooooooooooooo many signs to a dark day... but I had to get serious! And blonde-fun... well... there's a season... and, well... new dark roots... anyhooooooooz) - feeling all serious and organisy (did I mention - brunette!) I spoke to one of my groupmates, got us a huddle room to have a final meeting concerning thesis write up structure and responsibilities, got a white-board marker, got my diary, had a coffee and just waited for the Bleh Bleh Bleh to grace us with her presence - anticipating the meeting.

Laugh laugh... check emails - send some...

Bam. She reach.

Bam - meeting start.

Bam - say WHAT?!

Wait wait wait wait... let me count that... of 20 chapters, I am responsible for writing up 4?! Buh wah de mudda... Let me count that AGAIN.... eh eh!

"Uh... no, I did this, so I will take credit for it..."

Wait... she is trying to SPEAK OVER ME?! Wait wait wait... am I getting royally effed in the a? I certainly am...

Waited for her to silence herself.

"Nope - I was responsible for this, therefore it's mine"

"ok"

Alright - I'm up to 6... but wait, other chick is still at 4...

"No, wait... we need to deal with the fact that you have most sections and J still has just 4..."

Hooooollllld up - is she MAKING UP minor sections for J?! Kyah kyahhhh... this cannot be happening... I had to laugh to clear the steam from my head and the curse words from coming up my throat...

"Nope... disagree... to be fair, we need to do this and this..."

Ok!

Wait... from this excel matrix here, BBB: 9 chapters, J: 8 chapters... Zu: 7?! Now 24 Chapters... and I'm being given credit for 29% of the workload?!?!!?!?!?! Muthah feckah...

Email to BBB and J:

Here is the matrix for the write up - naturally, I'm not happy.

No response....

Steam accumulates... I take a walk. Steam dissipates...

Gets a call - two "bottom of the barrel" guys from my MSc. class get desirable Reservoir Eng. positions...

This is not happening...

Zu breaks down...

I'm getting effed in the A from my own project, and now those less deserving are reaping unwarranted rewards!

*Heeeeeeeyyy - nasty attitude there missy!*

Ah know... but honest - that's how I felt :(

I sat there, infront my monitor, from 5pm to 8pm... numb. I had already cried and cussed my heart out...

I've failed. Whatever test this was, I failed miserably.

Dust it off, Zu!

Email to BBB and J:

Guys,
I'm not satisfied with having 29% share in the write-up, so here are my proposals to fix this (inserted new matrix with changes). My pick would be proposal 1 - each of us having a 1/3 share of the writeup responsibilities.
If we cannot agree on any, please feel free to add to the proposals - once it's fairly distributed. I know I surely had more than 29% share in the actual work, and that's why I am not comfortable with the uneven share.

J replied:

Agreed - BBB, what do you think?

Nothing...

Midday - still nada.

"Uh... BBB, did you see....?"

"Uh... yeah - uh... working on it"

I go get me a coffee / steam-lifter break.

J comes to me: "Um... BBB says cool - good to go"

That's just when I took myself out the race... I'm not begging for a teammates approval anymore, nor am I fighting in a war that leads to a deceitful victory - I've pulled myself out of this "master-subject" relationship BBB's pushing on me, and I tell myself that I am in no way her competitor - I never was, but I allowed her to use be as a benchmark...

No more *Yes Parrot... no more!*

It's a choice, and I choose no.

I've started my write up, set up meetings to complete the work I've done thus far... I'm trying to keep busy so as not to get myself in situations like that again...

I don't yet know how to deal with people like this, so for now I'm blocking it all off... since the meeting, I've been very point blank in my correspondence with BBB... this is what I need for my protection ... Until I know better.

And get this - she's been taking most of the credit anyways I've realised - she's not in today, and our Supervisor came to see her, told me about a meeting they had earlier, and guess what... it's all work that myself and J shared over the past couple months... and he seems to think she's the shiznit.

I'm actually ok with that - NOW. Before it ticked me off to the max... but now, what can I do?

I have to focus on my write up and presentation skills... on the 26th, one day after my 26th (wink), we present for the Operator, and I need to pull it together!

Lord - grant the Zu a blessed day... Zu needs it!

"We regret to inform you... "

2009-08-04T19:06:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I got one of those letters... no plaid-skirted men for me this year.

I feel a transition coming on... you know those times in your life where you're neither here nor there, but you're on a move... it's exciting, really. Well, it's not EXACTLY 'exciting' the first time around... I remember just before my first job, fresh outta jub-jub, the anxiety was deafeningly loud. Or what about that time when I had resigned from 'hell' without knowing if I was accepted into uni.

Thank God for the cushions he's surrounded me with - I've always either landed on my feet, bounced right back, or had a good crash with a comfortable ending to have a good nap on.

I was a bit disappointed - though not shocked - by this morning's news. I also got the news when my Super-Guy was just next to me... when I read the email out loud, he didn't even twitch before reassuringly patting my leg, repeating discussions we've been having alot recently - i.e. other opportunities, pending applications yet to be answered, new possibilities to research.

The older I get, the more crucial the decisions become, yes, but that doesn't equate nerve-biting breakdowns and disappointments. It's almost condradicting itself - when you're younger, you have "more time to make mistakes and quickly learn from them", and though this is true, disappointments seemed tougher back then. Perhaps I've learnt how to handle let-downs and the assurance of the fact that something's gotta give at some point helps. Also, maybe I trust my decisions more so now than before, and being more confident in myself, I understand and accept the competition.

*Soooo... you believe in "what is for you, is for you?"*

Heck-a, no. I say it sometimes, but I don't believe in it. I trust in the fact that I have a hand in everything I do - good and bad. Perhaps because I know people to live by this rule and sit back and let life live for them. Bleh... leaves a bad taste just typing it.

There are reasons why I did not get that post... reasons based on my past, on the interview impression, the written essay, other people's past, their interview impressions, their written essays, emotional judging, academic judging, common-sense-ical judging... I can't be exhaustive here - the list will be too long and I'm not capable of coming up with all options on my own. I have a part to play in those things, and in some of the other things I actually could not control. And ma-ma-mah... I'm fine 'n' dandy with that, yessir.

There are a few other things up in the air, but my project wrap-up is crucial at this point... it's make or break, and I intend to be made.

*Zuper flashes off into thin-bedded pay - the land of bleh-bleh-bleh's and headless chickens!*

You know what really grinds my gears...

2009-07-29T10:48:00.002-04:00

... blog posts that have nothing to do with the content :)

Hi sunshine!

Been a while again...

So - interview went well except for a onezy... apparently my BSc. grades aren't spectacular enough. I sent my MSc. grades - which are better - and we'd see. I'm actually ok with it.

Update complete

Did I ever mention - since starting this programme (MSc.) - that I finally LOVE what I do??? I love this industry... I love the dynamics of it, the brains involved, the practicality of it all. For me, it's exactly how I see Science and Math - broken down into brass-tax - taking something for what it is and use the most basic and intuitive analyses to describe and plan what you want to do with the darn thing. A true Engineer. I mean, I hate the word, basically because of what people have done to it, but the true essence of what it SHOULD mean... it's like being a Scientist. Mmmmm.... donuts....

Actually, it's like Christianity... you know what some people have done to it - right? Makes you wanna scream and actually prevents some great dedicated minds to the idea of it... when in truth and in fact, it's the most beautiful and logical things.

Anyhoo - I think I'm ok with the fact that HW may not pull through basically because I finally know what I want. It's easier to trot on when the path is more defined.

So! Here's a fun Q & A:

Q: What is the equivalent of Harold and Kumar's cravalious White Castle burger in TnT?

A: Doubles!

There, of course, is the emergency doubles right downstairs that Parrot and I hoped on down to... but waittttt a mmiiinnnn... a LINE? A bloody LINE for this mere satisfaction of hunger? Eh eh! I had a craving... not a starving tummy! Parrot and I decided - this is POS, let us find some "bess doubles". So we walked from TGI near the Savannah onto the Blvd... nada. *51 degrees doubles man wasn't there... think he either finishes early or only comes out on weekend for drunken hunger*.

Onwards, then...

Tragarete Rd...

Checked the peripherals... nada in sight. But WAIT! Lo and behold... a squished piece of bharra on the sidewalk!

"We are hot on the trail..." - this was inspiration enough for the excited Parrot.

Onwards... no smell of channa nearby, no lines to be seen... but we were determined... I kept looking around for "doubles I had been to" in the past ;)

Picton Street...

"I worked here once... let's go up here..." - there seemed to be a glimmer in Zu's eyes, but it quickly died out when she realised that it was a summer job after she did O's... yep, near 10 years ago....

Didn't matter... Govias was still there, but no roti this morning... soft bharra and hot channa only!

"Some real characters around here boy"

"Well, we are characters too, so with our forces combined...."

*Gee, thanks Parrot*

"I'm a bit uncomfortable with my wallet in hand..."

"Well, put it in your bra - or mine"

*Zu got a visual of a huge rectangle where round boobs used to be - SpongeZu SquareBoob?*

"Hmm... it's ok... we're safe"

"You know what - let's cut across and head to Tatil"

"Aye - I hear there's good doubles there"

Maraval Road...

A Line!

A liiinnneee and an umbrella!!! Yeeeyyyyyyy!!!!

Joined the line...

Legs trembling

*Excitement?*

Nope - very high heels

*Dum dum dum dummmmm*

"Dining in?"

*Birds chirp and wind whistles*

**Que?**

"Eating here is next line... doh jes stand there - say what yuh eatin'!"

Ate

Heavy pepper

Couldn't think

Got drink

"Grapefruit?!?"

Yes - silly question - but instead of smacking her upside the head like we all want to at this point, I did what a prostitute would do if her client asked "So much?!?" - I proved how good it can be... I let her sip it.

"Refreshing, huh?"

Again, like a whore's client, she was too satisfied to mutter much, and I was too brooding to care.

*So, in your analogy, you're... the whore?*

Steups!

Anywayssss

Onwards! Back to wuk - we walk to savannah instead....

But the building seems so much closer than the path - yes, like most people, we see where we want to be but are not willing to take the longer twisty path... so, like true losers we took a muddy, messy shortcut... wait - rewind - so, like true winners, we followed the path less likely and less travelled...

We bore the marks of our war though... not only is there sweat beads on my face, the choooooooooos... ma chooooos - my furry chooos were muddy and grassy. Nothing a bathroom break couldn't make more presentable...

Oof - back to the land of Bleh bleh bleh's and HC's.

*Zuper has left the building...*

Bleh Bleh Bleh's and Headless Chickens

2009-07-15T07:36:00.003-04:00

So tomorrow is the big day...

No... no - I'm not getting married...

Er... nope... not about to pop one out the oven...

Well, yeah... but no - didn't get a new job...

Look! Awright... it's just a phone interview... but being surrounded by Bleh Bleh Bleh's and Headless Chickens all day - well, I'm looking forward to it.

Ok, I lie... I'm nervous and unprepared. 4D Seismic research in Geophysics, you say? To help us better the field of Reservoir Engineering, you say?

Well... why'd you stop talking???? What else do you say????

Yes, ok, so I know that I gotta sit down and read up on the team, some of the Prof.'s papers and re-orient myself with thoughts of the not-to-distant and oh-so-defining future.

Today is all about Pressure Transient Analysis and 4D Seismic and why HW. Thank the heavens for this swanky sweater to get me through today!

*Don't we all have inspirational clothes?*

For example, tomorrow, I have the "I'm confident and smart, yet with a sense of style and poise, and wait, is that a hint that superb boobies lay beneath?" outfit yet... black is my confidence colour, a cute short black feminine jacket over a sleek and if-worn-by-itself-could-be-sexy top with the most expensive pantalones I own - a grey and professional looking black thin-striped Benneton that sits just above the hips... yes, sits... nothing too tight. I'll wear this with flats...

*whaddaheck Zu??*

Yep - see, I won't say this is my presentation-to-the-board outfit at all, but it's the combination that I need - confidence (the colour - black and greys), poise (cute fitting feminine jacket), professionalism (striped trousers) and comfort (shoes).

And of course with the curls out and about! It's so me.

Want to know a secret? I'm not really nervous, nor excited, nor expectant. This is partly because I think I won't get through, and I'm afraid of getting my hopes up to see them come crashing down... again. Defense mechanism, perhaps.

*Sure... but I'd rather call you a vag*na - with a big P*

So crude! Anways!

I want it so bad... I really do, but I don't think I'd be deemed as equipped and suited for the role. And right now, heck, I'm not! But am I willing to get up to speed? Heck yeah! With a capital H!

Switcharoo - what is it about memories that I seem to only remember the good feelings and barely ever the bad?

*Na... it's just you Zu*

Perhaps... I like to remember the good in people and our experiences...

*More like self-destruction, Dude*

You know what? I agree with you a bit... because it's selective... it's not like ALL memories are good - it depends on my desires at the moment.

*There ya go...*

I just hope that the selectiveness of the brain due to current desires *wink* doesn't get me into a regrettable rut!

Anyways - once we keep in mind that there are times when faith simply doesn't seem to exist - when we feel numb and empty - and that these times are inevitably going to creep up on us, and yet learn to accept that the difference between success and not-yet-success lies in the decision we make at that very point just where we place our next step - we might me awwwwwwwwwwwright:

The warrior of the light does not always have faith. There are times
when he does not believe in anything at all.
And he asks his heart: “Will all the effort be worthwhile?”
But the heart remains silent. And the warrior must decide for himself.
So he seeks an example. And he remembers that Jesus endured
something similar - in order to live the human condition in all its
fullness.
“Take this cup away from me,” said Jesus. He too lost heart and his
courage, but he did not stop.
The warrior of the light remains faithless.
But he moves forward nevertheless, and his faith will return.

*Move forward Zue... stop looking at your feet and where they step; look up and keep your eyes on the horizons...*

Milo - I'm sorry

2009-07-06T07:31:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday my adopted dog died.

He was unique dog... he really had a mind of his own - seriously. I remember trying to squeeze through the gate cuz him with his small self would ooze pass any little aperture. And when he'd run out, no call, no suck on the teeth, no nada would he respond to. In fact, I think he would ignore you the more you called him!

One day he did run away before I adopted him... and he stayed away for nearly a week or so. My big bro, M, found him wandering around a nearby street. He picked him up, realised he had gotten into a fight and had to slice off that bad ear. So he was one cute, 'ignorant', bad-minded, independent fellow.

I detested him at first... he really hurt my feelings. When M moved up "nort" I would go to feed milo daily. And one day, I went "awww... come here cutie... lonely, love? You lonely?" About to pet his cute strawberry blond head when "grrrr - SNAP" - mofo bit me! THAT MOFO BIT ME!!!! My feelings were hurt more than anything.

Yeah, he was a weird guy... but I did grow to love him when I moved in. He did this dance everytime I got home - post-squeezing in the gate, of course - with the rot next door... they'd run up and down the length of the house barking at each other - a true dance.

One day, when just pulling the gate apart and eezing my way through, I realised he didn't get up to rush outside (I'd actually let him go for a while... have his fun in the "wild" of Greenvale Gardens). Went up to him to see if he was ok. He wagged his taile, barked and let me rub his tummy. Hmm... he must be in a mood. But I so knew something was amiss.

Next day - still no rush, and now laying around... breathing a bit more heavily. So I checked his food bowl - well, at least he's eating.

Came home - same thing...

Next day - now not even pulling his head up... hmm...

That afternoon, I vowed him to take him to the vet. Called the vet, they were closing in half hour... may not make it. So I got some salts and some water and shoved it in his throat... looked around - perhaps he bit a frog? Maybe one of the mushrooms in the yard?

He resisted the salty water... but I saw that though he was eating, his water bowl was full. He was dehydrated. So I continued to shove the liquid in his throat. He eventually got the strength to shove me off and walk away. I saw his pained crawl, and promised that night that I'd take time off work to take him to the vet.

And I did...

And when I got home, he was laying in the drain.

I walked up to him... a shot of fear and no no no no no streaming now...

His mouth was ajar, and so were his eyes... he was dead...

I screamed and screamed and cried and ran into the house...

I knew his pain, I knew something was wrong three days prior, but I waited til it was convenient to ME to take him...

I killed my dog with my selfishness.

I looked into my bubble of a world instead of looking at the bigger picture, at the horizon... and it killed a loved one.

I'm so sorry Milo... I miss you.

For just a moment, Paulo read my words

2009-06-29T16:42:00.002-04:00

... I've been reading his words and finally... FINALLY mine have been read by him! For even a mere couple minutes, Paulo Coehlo and I met - virtually. We connected and pondered on the same topic.

There are two mortals I adore this much - him, and Alanis.

This really really made my flecking day!

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/06/29/todays-question-by-the-reader-sue-ann-marquis/

Furry Olives and Angry Goats

2009-06-24T12:37:00.003-04:00

Ugh! When I woke up and saw that olive skin and that furry body, I thought, "Please, God, let it be a giant furry olive."

How many times does the obvious sit in front of us, staring and glaring, and yet we still pray for it to be a completely different scenario - no matter how unrealistic or ridiculous it may be? How many furry olives have we wished and hoped for?

Why deny the obvious? The results of our actions? I know it's hard... but the situation wouldn't change even if you wish upon the most promising of stars.

Truth is and always will be the truth. Results are results. Physics - to every action, there is a reaction.

An aim of mine (you know, we always set these personal goals) is to accept situations as they are - with grace and poise - and deal with them - again with g & p.

Switcharoo - HW contacted me - once again - about my grades to see if I qualify to an awesomest opportunity... and whaddyaknow - no grades available TO DATE... heck, not even a reply on how, when, nada... grrrrr...

Switcharootoo - Sooo... I'm lagging behind on my structuring - I want to structure myself and everything around me

*freeeak*

no no... really... simple things, like I went to grab some lunch, looked in my wallet, and the cash is all squeezed and bundled and - unstructured.

INTERJECTION IMPORTANTEEEEE - what the feck? Y'know, I tolerate alot...

*sure*

ok ok - so I'm a bit short at times... but what really really gets me mad - almost as mad as the goat on Sesame Street - is when people step across the courtesy line... WHY do people assume they can speak to another person in any manner they deem as fit? When there is little to no tie between two people, especially, isn't it risky to assume you know how to communicate with each other? Thus, ain't generic courtesy the rule? I have just been ordered by my equal - who is supposed to be here with me right now - to research a topic that is unfamiliar - rather, completely foreign - to me to send to her... no explanations as to why, what for, nothing... well yuh know once that line has been crossed, I deem the conversation null and void. I mean, it's like a furry olive - the obvious just doesn't exist - and just like that, the conversation never happened. I don't even remember being on the phone... hmm... wink

*THAT'S your way of dealing with it?*

Look, at least I can converse with my colleague again - the discomfort and line crossing manner doesn't exist.

*Furry olive...*

Que sera...

Anyhoooozzzz ... structure! Yes, so for example, I have clothes on the spare bed because - well, because it's not in use and it's soooo much easier to dump them there than pack them away each and every wash.

*wait wait... so.... iz lazy yuh lazy?!*

Mebbe...

And after paying another 500 TTD for this month's phone bill, I realise - yuh know what? I really have to structure things! Keep track and get back in control...

I know that I slacked off alot since not earning an income... something about being a student again made me feel oh too dependent... but if I want to move to where the men wear skirts and say "ay" for yes, then I gotta shape up!

And yeah - that means with food too (yep - I prepared myself breakfast, lunch and snacks for today - all of which were demolished before 10am... ahem!).

I found this to be zupa:

Paying for the same thing three times
There is a legend in the region of Punjab, about a thief who broke into
a farm and stole two hundred onions. But before he could make his escape,
he was caught by the farmer and led before the judge.
The magistrate past sentence: the payment of ten gold pieces. But the
man alleged that the fine was too high, so the judge offered him two alternatives:
to be whipped twenty times, or eat the two hundred onions.
The thief chose to eat the two hundred onions. When he had eaten
twenty-five, his eyes were already filled with tears, and his stomach was
burning up like the fires of hell. Since there were still 175 to go, and he
knew he would never bear this punishment, he begged to be thrashed
twenty times.
The judge agreed. But when the whip tore into his back for the tenth
time, he implored for the punishment to be stopped, for he could not
stand the pain. His wish was granted, but the thief still had to pay the
ten pieces of gold.
- If you had accepted the fine, you would have avoided eating the
onions and wouldn’t have suffered with whip - said the judge. - But you
preferred the more difficult path, not understanding that, when you
have done wrong, it is better to pay up quickly and forget the matter.

So Unsexy

2009-06-12T10:41:00.002-04:00

Oh these little rejections
how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think
I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

When we see a supposed stable individual, we automatically think – wow, I’d give anything to be of such sound mind. Well, is there such a thing as feeling contentment 24/7? Is it possible to achieve perfect calmness and stability in this life?

I’d use the excuse – oh, when I get more money, or oftentimes, yeah, I’d get to that when my life stabilizes a bit more, or even: wouldn’t it be perfect if I had more power/authority/popularity??… It would always be perfect WHEN ____ happens. What total BS! But I’m sure not the only one who uses such excuses daily. Let’s look at the factors already mentioned:

Money: Sure, money can bring a form of comfort and security *dribbles and daydreams – mmmmm… financial stability….* But I’ve had a good-ish salary before, and I still didn’t feel like I was on any certain great path or self-awareness, self-satisfaction, or felt like any liver-of-life (ew… liver…). As a matter of fact, I did some pretty darn stupid things! Besides, Britney has so much money, and she still shaved her head and married K-Fed.

Stability: What does that even mean? I think I have an idea, but any time I try to act out the image in my head, I feel like a square peg in a not-so-square hole. There are so many variables in the stability equation… I mean, it could be seen as time-dependent, income-dependent, whatever-floats-your-boat-dependent! Besides, I thought Britney – on paper – should be stable… and well, she still shaved her head and married K-Fed.

Power/authority/popularity – Look, Britney shaved her head and married K-Fed... k?

I’m not saying that these things don’t help with stability… they could have major impacts on they way people live, and as such in their lives and well-beings… however, none of them seem to be “it”. I guess the question is, what is “it” then? Wait, is there even an “it”???

I want “it”… I want “it” good…

Some would say that religion is “it”. Some may even argue that love in general is “it”. I’ve dabbled in both – and though strong contenders – I don’t think they are “it”… in fact, God does put you through trials and tribulations, and there are times when you’d still feel down and out, insufficient, inept, indeed! – so there’s never a 24/7 total control of “feel good” time. Love: for sure we’ve all had hands-on experience that even when it does feel like “it”, that feeling fades, disappears, or even reappears stronger in another source! We all know that each and every relationship – no matter now deep – we still fall – in and out, up and down, all over! Such motion is NOT representative of stability.

But still… there are some people out there that have that look… that certain something that tells me – hey, I’m a happy person. Now, I can think of why they’re happy, and when they’re happy, but I’m sure it ain’t 24/7. Maybe just realizing that could help…

“’Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knowsHow to make it work, or how to ease the hurtWe’ve heard it all before, that everybody knowsHow to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try”

His surname ain’t Legend for nuthin!

*Misery loves company*

No no… not that extreme

*But it’s the idea*

Well, not really – if you view it that way, then there could be some side effects to taking that pill… bitterness, jealousy, negativity… just plain ol’ nastiness! It’s more like an acceptance that whatever ideal you have in your head, it will never be without its own ups and downs and sideways… that there are highs and lows to experience in everything and everywhere, and that your reaction and perception can play a heftier role than such externalities!

Let the tears mean something – don’t let them fall in vain. Learn from your always-there-friends: Sorrow and Pain.

Taste the clouds when you’re up high – appreciate and always remember those times.

And never… ever… EVER let a perception of you define you- let it remain as purely a perception, never reality. This is a battle I’m currently facing, and I’m yet to see the end. I want Victory so bad, but my vision is so blurred by what I’m seen to be – I can’t see past those who hold such opinions (yep, they’re not just in my way, they’re fat too!).

One thing is for sure – I ain’t throwing in the towel… I’m a-fightin’ on.

*But I don’t wanna…*

Well, yuh hafta…

*And I hope one day you’ll see, nobody has it easy…*

Recognise this!

2008-07-17T14:26:00.003-04:00

Alrighty then! So!

The morning started off with a groggy and involuntary push off the bed simultaneously glubbing down a Bull Power energy drink to get the the gym before 4:30am...

Drive drive drive - got great news that my degree has been "recognised" by the ACTT, so collection done before 8:30 this morning, and dropped off to the Institution by 9:30am. No more stickin!!!

Why is everyone is TT angry?

Everyone seems to have a chip on their shoulder that they want to share with anyone who crosses a path closeby to them... I swear, TT has the worstest customer service ever... anytime I get a "have a good day" or a "thanks"... in fact, anything other than a "grrr" or a "hmph!" or an eyeball roll... anything that doesn't end up in a quarrel, a public oral fight - I'm just happy for it... imagine that...

But the scarier part is... does it rub off?

I've been complaining so much recently... I'm constantly criticising, arguing / debating... ARGH!!!

What brought this topic up?

Well - I have to call this Institution every day to find out when we'd be getting calls for semester beginning at end of August... yes... we ARE in the middle of July...

"Ma'am... we need you to request a transcript, and then get it recognised"

Done... and delivered...

"Well, yuh might get call within the next two weeks"

How the heck yuh mean? Yuh gonna call meh for muh first class????????? *seeeeee??? Told you I'm just as angry...*

That is a good one... that meaning, it's not bad. She was neutral, but extending her services NO WHERE beyond the necessary... I can live with that...

Let's not talk about that time at HiLo... the cashier carried on conversations, while counting money, as a line of 10 people waited to be attended to... no look up, no word as to how long again we should wait... nothing. Now, after this, she charges me extra on a discounted item. I told her. She didn't care - cuz "de price is de price on de screen" - right? WRONG! I flew off to get the sticker showing the discount and the new price. She yells back after I return:

"Well go an see de Supervisor nah... oh gosh man"

And begins a conversation with a nearby cashier on how people feel they are superwomen, and her job is to cash and that's about it...

Sigh...

What ever happened to courtesy?

Mind you... this is one of the keyest reasons for me leaving MTL... you wouldn't believe this place...

*Oh my... Zue got too many anger issues...

*sigh*... I know .... *

Wa wa wee wa

2008-07-16T16:21:00.002-04:00

It's been how long??? WHA?

Ok, let's see JUST how long...

Fell in love again
Yes, I did go into another job
Worked in Business Processes at the company
Travelled to Nicaragua
Worked in Operations
Presented with the opportunity to be a MISE
Travelled to Panama
Travelled to Copenhagen
Cut my hair
Went on to Finance Controller of same company
Had my Czechy lover visit me
Had MAJOR issues with the local organisation
Moved into my own apartment
Thought I was dealing with it
Bought a new (sexilious) car
Travelled to Copenhagen
Turned 24
Not been able to finish a single book since
Lost a University-mate *sigh*
Lost 10 pounds
Formed a DB team with my big bro, Mr. Right, and S
Got and turned down a job offer I swore I wanted
Applied to an Petroleum Engineering degree
Went to get a certificate of recognition for my German degree
Resigned from Hell (date: Friday, June 27, 2008)
Sat and decided to update blog while I await confirmation on acceptance (ye or ne?!) and while I cound down the next 7 days...

*holy crappo... it has been TOO long!*

Yes... I should've known something was wrong... my job didn't give me time to update my blog!! I resigned - worked - then resigned again!

But Amen to my Father Saviour... for the courage, opportunity and just plain balls to resign and be happy again.

Now, don't get me wrong... M is a super duper company that I intend on applying to with my more qualified ras, however MTL... is simply... well, it's over. *Amen sista!*

I've simply let a year+ go by filled of windpies and nothing chops... Yes - a year gone by, and I feel like I've wasted every single bit of it. I feel like I've lost myself: my drive, my passion, my connections... I lost me.

Let's hope that in updating this blog, I'd find that cutie back...

*Zue's bringing something back...*

Straight beginings, bitchy and unstable endings

2007-03-22T12:52:00.000-04:00

I resigned today - March 22nd, 2007.

I straightened my hair last week Saturday - March 17th, 2007.

I got a new super cup last week sometime that is perfect for me - March 17- 18th (can't remember), 2007.

Such mixed feelings... thing is, I've been complaining ever so much for so long about the treatments et al in this position and the stagnation... and even though I'm more than happy to leave, telling my coworkers that I'm leaving in less than a month felt super weird. I cried in the car coming down here this morning - just thinking that things could've been so much better. It's one of the best industries in the country, it's a leading company, I got so many free tickets to places (hehe), small enough to make a mark yet large enough to enjoy, well.... the perks of a large company... but... wobba wobba.

Resigning is so weird... I feel like I did on the last day of school. I have things to finish... but it almost doesn't immediately matter that much anymore. Whew.

Now, I am not certain the next position is "IT" - and I'm not even hoping it to be - but I am welcoming the change. We'll see how that goes.

Suppose I bounce my head? Make a mistake? Suppose sticking to PCS was the better decision? Oof...

I love it all.

An that's that.

I got straaaaaight hair now... and love it too much... paid a pound and a crown and darn "Hair by Vishnu" but mah mah mah... maybe it's the change (me loves change), or maybe it's just how gorgeous it is ... hehe.

GORG-EE-US!

I spotted (and got) the best cup... ever. Firstly, we all know how super-dee-duper lilac is as a colour - like, superior and stuff... well, yes, it's lilac/purple. Numero uno. Dos! It has MY LOGO on it... I swear, I've never said it better myself:

"Being Bitchy and Unstable Is Part of My Mystique"

Hehe... so super.

I found this while cleaning up my PC :)

2007-03-13T10:57:00.000-04:00

I’ve decided to let go. Let go of the thought of you. If I don’t, I’d drown in a sea of memories, and choke on the would-be’s of it all.

I’ve decided to let go. Let go of that mass of love I threw away(- or was it taken away?). That cloud I smoked you out with… all to waste. Yeah… and even though I’m rubbing my bruises, I’m no longer in bondage.

You think someone else would want to dwell in my perfume?

You think another guy would love the smell of my hair the way you do?

…most probably not, I realized. But it’s ok... he likes my shoulders and the way I walk.

hehe - I love this

2007-02-27T14:33:00.000-04:00

Trust

2007-01-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how many times you get burnt, and you still ain't learnt.

What's wrong with me?!

Seriously though... why is it that everytime I get close to someone, put a certain amount of trust in them and our relationship that I still am always shocked when they do something off-key?

Is the lesson to learn 'TRUST NOONE'? I'd hate to be that way... it's lame to be cynical.

It's happened in every single meaningful relationship I've had... with my mom, my sister, my first lover... and now, my boss.

Now, each and every episode has been a complete learning experience - you develop a better understanding for the person and where you stand with them, and this is for a good, surely. So I'm not complaining about the happenings of it... but rather my bloody reaction and my not expecting it!

My boss is talking not great stuff - in fact, damaging stuff - behind my back. Now, the issue is a real issue, so it's not like I expected her to NOT see it... however, perhaps by telling me in the mature and honest fashion that we do everything else with... PERHAPS I'd appreciate that more than the slander.

I regret so many things now, but I'm happy that it actually got back to me so that I do know exactly what I can and can't say around her, as well as how she thinks about me. It's awful, because she already knows so much - she's been such a good friend in even my personal issues. But like the BIG HAPPENING (i.e. the Brent happening), it HAPPENED...

Gone... past.

I can't change that.

What I CAN change is my reaction to it.

Naiveness is so lame. Scheisse *said in the Germanest way possible*. It's also harder to get out of than I thought.

*Zuper zingz the Joe Public song... "you've got to live and learn... before your bridges burn, you've got to live and learn"*

Presssssshhhh-ah!

2007-01-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

Fadda lawd 'ave muuursee!

DAT is a long-ras break, eh?!

All kinda ting went on... all kinda mudda-so-an-so ting.

Karlita come and gone from B'dos and I let her white ras gone without seeing it... shrimps man.

Iz a new year... and not a darn new thing. You know, I was hoping that all sorts-a things woulda be worked out for 2007... everything is the same... i.e. my perspective on things is the same. Woof. Things didn't magically change, nor did things quietly sort itself out... as I had planned and hoped for.

And I'm still living.

Though I woulda still liked to sit with my bag of popcorn and munch away as I watch the story of my life work its way through, without me doing much more than me giggling here and there and, of course, reaching in that darn bag and stuffing my face with buttery goodness.

No such luck. But as I said... I'm still alive. Amen.

Latest is... yuh girl gone down south to some wag-a-who fete (Geeeesus lawd!) ... let's just say that I stood out - who knew the dresscode was "anything as small as possible on the boobs, as short as possible on the butt, and tall as possible on the feet"... I certainly missed that VITAL memo - me with my jeans and tank top with slippers. One kick of a bottle in the crowd and Zuper has a sliced big toe.

I enjoyed every single moment of it... seriously. It was truly an experience... and the lime was super - and Machel is just mega-zuper this year.

I'm also playing mas...

"ah cah waaaiiit... ah cah waaaiiitttt... ah cah wait for Mon&Tues morrrninnnnn".

*Zuper flies off into ze vorld ov vork... hopefully for not as long as last time!*

Hinds' Feet on High Places

2006-11-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

Hello, my name is Much-Afraid, and I live with my family - the Fearings - in the Valley of Humiliation.

I'm a cripple; my mouth is twisted - so you could imagine how my speech is - and my feet are crooked ... just to give you an idea.

I'd been working for The Chief Shepherd and I yearned (and still yearn) to please Him in everyway. To my relatives dismay, I met with him every morning at dawn and each evening when the sun goes down, initially. These meetings helped me claw through my life in the Valley.

I'd never left the Valley before, though... hmm. My relatives, well, they simply terrified me... and, well, let's just say that instead of learning to resist their threats on if I ever left, I would just cower to them. Oi oi oi.

I was miserably content... living day for day - my food for life being those short meetings... until the crap hit the fan - my aunt told of my being promised to my cousin - Craven Fear - for marriage soon.

WTH?! Nuh-uh! No way!!

So I ran to the meeting point of The Shepherd... and we began to talk. He asked so many questions! Then, He asked if I reeeeeally wanted change... complete change. Man, at that point, I was willing to change my entire being and existence. I wanted OUT of the Valley.

"Yes"

Of course, though, my Fearing ways came into play...

"...but..."

No buts with this Guy! He posed a solution to everything... He promised even a name change for me if I chose to continue onto the path He was about to show me.

Then He asked a more pressing question:

"Has love been planted in your heart, Much-Afraid?"

Before jumping onto it... I remembered! Ouch! When you love, you give the person you love the power to hurt and pain you in a way no one else can...

And of course, with this new cower, my Shepherd - with a warm smile - made a simple agreeing remark:

To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain... the key is your response to that pain.

Seeing my still Fearing face, he smiled and assured:

Perfect love casts out fear.

And with that, an overwhelming calm came over me, and fear subsided...

He then took His scarred hands and continued into planting that thorny, painful seed of Love into my heart...

Why the heart? Why not the brain?

Well, during my life in the Valley, I relied more on my reasoning than on my trust in the Chief Himself. What is the most prevalent of all the strongholds in the Valley? Deceit. Yes, Deceit, himself. Deceit's famous and most effective weapon is Rationalization. The brain uses the rationalization of the "if...then" (if I do this, then this would be the outcome... therefore I choose to... ) clause to analyse possible outcomes before deciding whether or not to obey the path shown.

Apparently, the transformation I yeared for on this journey on which I was about to embark would involve a huge change from reliance on the reasoning of the brain to the walking in the trust-filled loving obedience of the heart.

Hence the reason for the using of the heart, and not the head.

"Your loving trust, and not your reasoning, is the way to the High Places."

Note: It starts with the heart, goes onto emotion, and then to the mind.

*to be cont'd... ideas based on the book - Hinds' Feet on High Places*

The day I became a woman...

2006-10-17T14:53:00.000-04:00

Yes... I have officially entered womanhood.

I...

I...

I LIED ABOUT MY AGE!

Whyyyyyyyy??? I have NO idea.

So I'm at the gym yesterday morning, and the instructor I usually work out with said,

"Come on! You can lift much more than that! You've been working out for what... 10 years now?"

My reply?

"Huh?! 10 years?! Since I'm 10 or 11?! er...."

"What?! You're only 21? You look so much more mature..."

"Mm-hmm..."

Then he goes on to ask what I do for a living, and at what age did I enter and graduate from Uni and all that jazz... now, those things weren't lies... I did leave school when I was 21, and I did enter when I was 18... BUT I have worked for a year after that!

Geez...

Maybe it's my sub-stuff coming out - you know, I really do feel like I've done NADA for the past year... perhaps in my mind of minds I DID do nothing. And thus, maybe... just maybe... the past year doesn't really exist for me!

I guess this means that, for me, time is not defined by the conventional and inevitable "passing time", but rather by what is produced. Like...

"Hey, how long have you been working on your abs?"

"Oh, about 50 sets of crunches or so."

"How long have you been at PCS?"

"Hmm.... just about 15 reports and 5 projects now."

That's it.

Eureka - I have defined time... more so in a way that I trust the general mind would not just comprehend, but much so appreciate.

Einstein, in yo' face.

So, theory now is, once you have not been productive, time has not passed.

Don't we all wish this.

Well, apparently, I live it!

*Jeez... Zue just realised she's actually about 12, then! Oof...*

Confused

2006-10-13T12:34:00.000-04:00

So, there's this sms that was sent to me by a friend asking me to describe him in one word and to pass it on. So I did. I got two replies - one from my brother (M.M. - the zuper one). And he - knowing me oh-so-well - sent back the following message:

In one word... Confused.

Ouch.

How the truth stings.

It has been on my mind since... I KNOW that I'm one confused duckie, but I guess hearing it from him (and we all know how he affects me!!)... I really have to do something about this crap.

How I decided things in the past - I never really was "passionate" about anything... I would just choose, and close my eyes and DO. Not look back, or around... I'd make my mind up by force.

I just thought that with time, you'd someone learn yourself and thus decisions would then be made more "wisely" (whatever that means) and would be based on your... well, on YOU.

Perhaps I do not know myself.

What the heck does "knowing yourself" mean, anyways?

Perhaps, then, it is time to revert to the older (trusted?) technique... diving nose first, eyes closed.

I've just become so afraid... afraid of all kinds of monsters... the monster that calls itself The Bank. The monster that drinks gas (premium gas, at that). The monster called "social life". What about the monster... that horrid most disgusting monster called Student Loan?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Ok... I gotta stop before I pee myself.

Sometimes I think M.M. (big bro) is my conscience. I've been hanging out with a... er... "different" crowd recently... and everything he has to say has been conscience-like. After telling me about being confused in one email recently, here's what he had to say:

...don’t mask your lack of direction with laughs and limes…

Darn you... darn you to heck!

Why is he always on the button? Cheese and gauges, man...

So, this weekend... I am going to make ONE decision and dive into it...

But what about...

Wha what about...

WHAT ABOUT .... AIDS!

teehee.

*Zuper... yuh too fleckin' spoilt ... suppose yuh was yuh mudder - at 23 having 5 chirren arredy, eh? Yuh want to talk 'bout decisions then?! eh?! shit man...*

Sick

2006-10-05T12:19:00.000-04:00

... and tired of crap.

Life is the most unjust happening... ever.

Rasholes win, and feed on their innocent prey.

When a man can beat up his sister and just about to kill her kids before her, and have the full support of his mom...

dat win

What about the mom being upset with the sister... yes... the same one that was beaten and kids being in a state of trauma...

dat real win

I will do anything for you... not everything is against you. I am here. Always. Trust that. Yes... I am going against my own mother.

I am full of sin right now - perhaps... but I refuse to honour my parents at this point.

And at the same time, how is one to function when getting messages from the ex's baby's momma?

Fadda... being good does not pay.

But I won't be anything else.

I can't.

Evil people thrive in this world.

Let's hope that it ain't for long.

Sunshine

2006-10-02T11:07:00.000-04:00

Wo shalt ich begin?

Hi - I'm Sunshine. Apparently, I'm bright and sparkly, I'm hot, and I'm in the Sky.

Oh, but Sunshine was a lil hidden by some (PMS?) clouds recently, wasn't she?

Once I'm still hot.

Blah.

I miss you, K! And I love hearing about your trips and travels... Pisa! Sounds mad cool... you lucky Rommy!

HIT B'DOS SOON - S.O.S!

Do we all have some level we reach before swerving over into insanity? I mean, there were times where I pushed and pushed my limits as a teenager, and if I had gotten away with what I was doing, I know things could have been different all now. But, I got it 'beaten' out of me. So is it that whichever form of licks - may it be a literal cut-ras or some other form of psychological beatings - that 'works' on the individual is what is needed before a certain boundary is crossed? And if that limit is pushed "too far"... would lix be still applicable, and effective?

P has gotten out of fleckin' hand. He was allowed to misbehave in school because of "his father's death and his age in adapting to his step-father".

*Whatever*

Shh... I'm telling a story!

*Whatever*

Grr...

Anyways... so, he basically was "allowed" to get kicked out of school - "remember, he really is in sufferin', eh".

Ok.... let it slide.

What about his smoking weed? And his petty crimes? Still suffering, right?

How about his gangsta fights? And his larger crimes? Oh, he's on a trial? What for this time? Ohh... dear... that's... horrible. But so sad... let's pet him up... he needs love that he lost with his suffering.

*Urk*

What?! He pulled a weapon to his own family?! Tormenting them with threats and freezing the children with fear while being locked indoors?!

He's sick... he needs help... come for a hug. There there... all better? What me to pet you up even more for your suffering?

A year passes... things are back to normal. Woof.

WHAT?! He got even worse?! He has a WHAT?! He's threatening to do WHAT?! What did he say?!

No no no.... my son would never do that... trust me. No - he can't own that. Remember, his pride was crushed weeks before - you have to understand his suffering.

Yes - I buy his groceries and take care of his son... yes, it's because I let him resign from his "through-connections-or-else-nada" job. But remember! He's suffering!!!

But we all are suffering due to him, Mom.

But he's my son... you need to understand that.

And I'm your... nevermind.

Exactly - you're stronger... you and him had different strokes in life.

No, we didn't. I was just slapped the minute I tried to rebel.

He has nothing... you have so much already.

Yes - but did I get it by scratching my balls?

Look - people have different tolerance levels. He needs help. He needs me.

And I don't? You know what... ok. He may be your son, but he's no longer my brother.

*Ouch Zue!!!*

F.U.B.A.

2006-09-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

You know who you are
This is for you

Hmmm, yeah, ooh yeah, ohh
I thought I knew who you were
I see now you were a lesson to learn
And all I am to you now is a bridge that's been burned

Now I was the first to believe
I made you part of my musical dream
And your thanks to me, came without an apology, yeah

We wrote Loving Me 4 Me, Don't Walk Away
Can't Hold Us Down, all part of our history
Don't forget Infatuation, I'm a Fighter
Feeling Underappreciated

Yeah, this song is for you to remind you
That I moved on, sang my songs,
I've got no regrets
Mmhmm, ohh Hope it all was worth it, uh

Looks like I didn't need you
Still got the album out
Ha

Ca ca lay lay

2006-09-20T10:31:00.000-04:00

Err... ok.

Anyways... here are some zupa words - all taken out of different books by De Man himself - Paulo Coelho. Different ones strike me at different times, but they are all zuperb. For now, the one etched in my mind is the last one (in bold red) - which one hits you the hardest, today?

...

Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.

But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.

We have to stop and be humble enough to understand that there is something called mystery.

The two worst strategic mistakes to make are acting prematurely and letting an opportunity slip; to avoid this, the warrior treats each situation as if it were unique and never resorts to formulae, recipes or other people's opinions.

A warrior of light who trusts too much in his intelligence will end up underestimating the power of his opponent.

Beauty is the greatest seducer of man.

They were seeking out the treasure of their destiny, without actually wanting to live out their destiny.

The biggest mistake of the man is that he thinks he doesn't deserve the good and the bad things from his life.

The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's Personal Legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Why do we have to listen to our hearts? Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

*Zupa zingz... "whattcha waitin', wattcha waitin' forrrr... tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc... take a chance you stupid ho"*

Kiss my eyes...

2006-09-19T07:51:00.000-04:00

and lay me to sleep.

This is what I brought you, this you can keep
This is what I brought you may forget me
I promise to depart, just promise one thing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is what I brought you, this you can keep
This is what I brought you may forget me
I promise you my heart, just promise to sing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is what I thought, I thought you need me
This is what I thought so think me naive
I promise you a heart, that you promised to keep
Kiss me eyes and lay me to sleep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Denial is a heck of a thing... isn't it? It's amazing how the human mind works - I'm sure you can choose to believe or not believe anything. Perhaps both intentional or not, and maybe even as a self-protective thingie... you deny it, choose to believe whatever is easier to handle, thus keeping you in that constant stage of being blindly confused.

That has to be the worstest feeling, like, ever.

Or not.

What really is the truth, man? Like - what can be regarded as the absolute truth? We all have biases, and so I do not believe any one of us can state "so and so" to be the pure truth. It's so frustrating.

I grew up with 5 elder siblings - each with his/her own strong personality and character. I admired each and everyone... and could actually mimic them to the T. They "took me under their wing" - or whatever. So around A, I'd be a... next to B, I'd be b... and so on - and of course I loved and lived to please them...

This was fine when I was 5... or even 12.

Now I'm (oh dear God...) 23 and I find myself still doing it. I want to please each and every one of them.

Wipe away all the nitty gritty... who am I? Yuh know?

Here's the breakdown...

Eldest - super-Christian, Literature and Tea-lover.
Second - goer-of-parties, center-of-attention, Ms. Considerate.
Third - Fitness maniac, math-brainiac, perfectionist-iac and disciplined-iac.
Fourth - Laid back, reader, Mr. Sarcastic, traveller, appreciator of cultures.
Fifth - Mr. Street, Mr. Cool, Mr. Herb (hehe)

So what does that make me?

A disciplined, (too?) kind-hearted, math-loving Christian who appreciates excellent literature, especially while drinking tea and travelling - staying street-smart with laid-back coolness, critiquing most imperfections - especially pertaining to my own fitness level and body.

P.S. - NOT while smoking the Herb, eh!

Woof!

*Zuper... drink yuh damn coffee and hush up! Like you really need some herb... hehe*

I might be a way...

2006-09-15T08:53:00.000-04:00

everybody likes to say,
I know what you're thinking about me.
There might be a day,
you might have a certain way,
but you don't have my luxuries...

And it's me, I know, I know my name cuz I say it proud,
Anything I want I always do.
Looking for the right track,
Always on the wrong track
But
Are you catching all these tracks that I'm laying down for you.

There's a song I've been listening to up all night,
There's a voice I am hearing saying 'it's alright',
When I'm happy I am sad
But everything's good
It's not that complicated
I'm just misunderstood

I miss K... so badly. She'd be in physically closer to me (in B'dos) sometime soon, but I miss her terrribbllyyy.... ooof.

Things are changing for my friends... change is so strange. I'm kinda down, yet excited... so mixed.

M resigned and has taken a decisive turn - still in progress... K is on the big wide blue... and I'm happy, yet it's so strange...

I hate stagnation, but change is funny - weird-funny, no ha-ha-funny.

The only change I've made recently is my diet. Boring in comparison :) ne? But zuper-necessary.

Heisse scheisse...

Lame.

I'm 23.

Lamer.

And I'm bored.

More lamer.

*Zuper sings: Would you feel slighted if I said your love is not enough... how can I complain... how can I complain when I'm the one who reaches for it*

Rumours

2006-09-11T13:39:00.000-04:00

Today my boss came in to talk with the entire crew... she heard some "shop talk" and was disturbed by it. *It concerned - and affected, apparently - members of the department* She went around circle asking each and every one of us if we had heard it and if so why hadn't we told her anything.

"Yes, I heard that... but it's just small talk... why come back to you with every tiny thing we hear? People say lots of things"

That was the usual response each of the guys gave her.

Sure... but she was trying to instill the two s-words into our group - sensitivity and sensibility.

We all noticed a fellow member of the Proc. Eng. team isolating himself and being all down and stuff... but I for one didn't know a thing.

Sue - you heard anything of the sort?

Er... no. Don't think things like that would come back to me.

True... guess you're not part of the shop.

Hehe...

Anyways...

The rumour did come back and hit a member of the department - the same guy. Being the boss, she, too, wouldn't hear this shop talk - unless one of us tells her. But those who knew, didn't. And this rumour wallowed and swam and fished about this guy's head and got to him. For weeks.

Talk, people... talk!

It's too late to stop the effect, but we can still get the truth out there and clear some air - though the rumour - by this time - is so widespread already, it could act as the truth in the absence of it.

Even him (just happens to be nose-digger)... why didn't he go with his problem to her himself?

Gosh... imagine it got bent and twisted out of all proportions before it got back to him - with the issue already there from the start.

Me? Pressure for my boss, cuz I tell her EVERY-FLIPPIN'-THING that affects me now. If my toenail hurting:

Liz... I have an issue I'd like to discuss with you.

*Issue of toenail discussed*

Bam - finished. Cleared the air... got it off my chest (or toe).

Random - I should look up to see if there is anything new on TOEs (Theory of Everything - TOE).

Yadda yadda...

We ran Scotiabank's 5k Women Against Breast Cancer on Saturday... me zizters joined in avec moi et me company.

Me - being zo zmart - didn't eat well and went out in the hot sun to run. Let's just say that my time was 36 mins... yep - a second behind Granny Lucess. We talked even:

Oh dear - the sun hot eh.

Yeah boy... you have water?

Na *Granny shrugs off Zue and continues steadily*

Granny... next event.... it's ON!

Other than that...

Work lame... I lame... you lame. Lame.

*ZuperZue is back into OCD land... Heyyy Miss Murder can I...?*

Miss Murder

2006-09-08T11:09:00.000-04:00

Heyyyy Miss Murder can I?
Heyyy Miss Murder can I?
Maaaake beauty stay if I
take my life... oooohhhh

Music Video Code By Urbnmix.net
afi - miss murder

Bester song!

So... oof... I had a tiff with that witch of a landlady... she kept coming into the place, yadda yadda... so I told her I'm leaving.

I did.

She took my key.

And didn't return my security deposit.

Next step?

Spoke with a lawyer.

Got to get a Police officer to go to her place.

Or should I just drop it all.

Last night the stress of it all kept me up almost all night... I felt to cry, scream... kill.

I called her several times... she hung up.

All these things are learning experiences... I know. But...

Vengence is the Lord's.

Oi.

*Zuper zwoops back into her little down mood... thank God for good music*

Nexx bess song!

2006-09-07T13:07:00.000-04:00

Music Video:BUT IT'S BETTER IF YOU DO (by Panic At The Disco)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Full house

2006-09-04T13:06:00.000-04:00

Yep - full full. My sister is waaay too accommodating... I already have so much to repay her for.

My *now former* landlady is a nut. A little, squibbly nut. Now, it's one thing to be coming into the apartment twice a month to "clean", but after seeing the horrid job the "cleaning man" did and requesting that that service end (I could clean, right, K? *if you dare say anything otherwise... your white ras is mine once you hit B'dos!), she comes with "Fine... but I would still need to come in at least every other week to check on the place".

Er... no eh.

I thought nothing much of it... I'm barely ever home, so it did no harm. Kinda. Well... a bit... it is erkie thinking of someone just in your space. Woof.

Then Miss (land) Lady decide to come to do repairs - retiling the place. Err... yep, but in the kitchen. No real big.

Until...

One day, tired as ras with the mindset to hit the gym for the 5pm class, I see Miss LL come with a workerman to START doing work... at that hour (4:30pm).

"Ms. Knights... allyuh now comin' to do work?"

"Yes"

Blood boiling up a storm... I couldn't think. I just took my bag back up, and headed to my sister's place... After my mind settled, I realised how uncool that was, and decided that I would move as soon as the contract is up (in 1 month)...

Until...

After having a few margaritas with my coworkers (and boucing up Parrot's sis... yep, another German-Trini back on d' Island!), I headed home for a nice nap... but, err... both locks on my door locked.... I only lock one of them. Hmm... But before realising that and real tryin' to open the one (usual) lock - door seemingly stuck... ring ring Ms. LL:

"Ms. Knights... I can't get into the apartment"

"Of course you can... you have all the keys"

"Err... both locks are locked... wait... you were here today?"

"Yes... "

"Ms. Knights! WHY?! I had no idea you'd be here"

"Sue-Ann, a few weeks ago I told you we'd be doing repairs"

"You said for that DAY! So I prepared for that day..."

She's irritated now, apparently "Sue-Ann! Is that why you left your handbag on the couch"

"Ms. Knights... honestly... I left my bag there because I was rushing to work **As if I really would do that to spite her... and ...er... why?** ... now I don't even know if my bedroom door is locked.... this is silly Ms. Knights... you coming in at odd hours, without letting me know, like that time you woke me up calling my name at 5:54am to collect rent... just opened the door and come by my bedroom door... "

"What?! I never did that... "

"Umm.. you did... my alarm that's set for 6:00am didn't even go off yet and I had to scamper for clothes because you were already propped on the couch and calling my name outside my bedroom door... not even a call to let me know you would like to come... nada"

Silence on the other end

"We aren't doing each other favours Ms. Knights... I pay for your service... "

*Did she hang up?*

"Look... the moment I get this door opened is the moment I move out"

*Oh, she just hung up*

And I did.

Now, I live with my sister and her two kids, in the same "building" with my cousin and his wife, my bro and his girlfriend and son, and my cousin with her son... oh yeah, completely full house.

And I love it - crowds are friends to someone with 6 siblings.

*Zue!!! It's Montag! Get back to work!*

I ain't saying he's a nose digger...

2006-08-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

But then again, I am.

At a meeting today, while sitting next to S. C (this nic is not my doing this time... he calls himself this), I got the full blast of his nervous reactions. While speaking, he closes his eyes - now though this is not the bestest of communicative methods, I can deal with this. The thing that I couldn't get was the nose picking! Ever so often - I've seen before - he'd slightly rub his nostrils while talking... today wasn't no rub - it was ah enter and sweep.

Now I sat next to him... so though I got a real view, there was nothing realer than the look on R's face - yep, R sat directly opposite the dude as he repeated - closed or fluttering eyes with the ever so often nose sweep and hand rub (post-nosesweep).

Sheesh.

Maybe it's unconcious, so I think I'd let L know - she's the kinda boss who'd let you know things you need to know. He can't go through life trying to talk to people who are grossed out by his nervous reactions.

So - I planned to go on a bit of a liquid diet for at least two days - to get my stomach back to normal after the week of birthday celebrations (celebrations = orgasmic food = too much eating *zue's eye long fuh days*). Problem - in order to only have liquids, you should have liquids prepared... presh-uh. So, flop numero uno. Ah well... might as well have that Catch *mmmm... caramely goodness*.

Food really like sex sometimes eh... once it's something you love, it's hard to say "wow, that one was terrible". And, too, when you really feel for one specific thing, and you can't get it so you head for something else, you rarely enjoy it as much, and use it just to satisfy for the hour.

*Or you get pleasantly surprised - and find a new favourite spot to hit*

Hey! Who said that?!!

*Whoopsie daisy*

Freak.

I went to get my nephew from the airport last night with big sis T. He came back on the same flight as Sizzla - to his greatest joy. But that is all secondary... I discovered a new obsession.... dum dum dummmm.... Chai Lattes! I fell deeply in love with the creamy spicy goodness that slipped down my throat and into my welcoming tummy.

I think I have OCD - sometimes.

New obsession - other than Chai lattes - Panic at the Disco's new song: But It's Better If You Do. I'm ODing on that, man.

But like their last song - I Write Sins, Not Tragedies - it would last about a month or so, until the new one takes over.

One more thing...

My baby bro said something zupa recently. My two sisters and I were harrassing his mother's ras asking him who was his favourite sister... he looked at each of us for a bit then said:

All three... all three are my favourite sister.

Singular - sister! Human nature! I like this is this one, and that in that other one... heck, put all those great qualities together and you get your favourite one!

Of course, I can also be a total lue-sah byatch and say that men start from early - one 'oman cyah satisfy he.

At least he's honest... how many guys snoop and lie about it?

*Zuper say enough sh-eye-t for the day... time to go flush*

Fear the Accounting Department

2006-08-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Seriously... every time I see M the Accountant, I tremble. *shudder* The mere thought of it - man, freaks me out.

He walks in - tall and ... indian - with the usual - some sheets of papers - superbly organised, staring at me as he walks in. His not-too-clear-looking eyes never leaving me, he starts "hey Sue..."

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what did I ever do wrong, Dear Father Jesus?!

He continues - each word taking about 10 seconds to come out *he stutters* - with the same creamy-eyed gawk, most times with an extra smack while talking due to the incessant mint in his mouth. He not only stutters like crassy... he also speaks for no one - most times not even the person he's speaking to - to hear.

Now, don't get me wrong... I gave the guy a fair chance initially - thought he was just one of those quiet but funny and sarcastic dudes. Well, yah - his humour was initially quirky... then, it got to be gross and inappropriate, and now, I can no longer tolerate... well... just about anything that has his face on it - especially him.

Imagine - my boss wants me to do another file of the same budget, changing one of the plant's downtime - basically just to compare the two to see which is more feasible or whatever. Naturally, this leads to a change in production, energy consumption, yadda yadda.... right? Whew... d'uh. Anyways... so, I MISTAKENLY *oooh what a mistake* told M the Acc. that on Friday (yesh - mi burfday) - well, he asked if I could help him with something at 3:20pm (yesh - 10 minutes before Zupa's hometime) and I told him what I was then busy doing. Anyways... he goes on:

Oh, so the production is going to change?

Er... no, this is for L to just compare which seems more realistic.

Ah! Ok... so do you think it's going to change?

Um... well, I can't say... she just asked for me to do these calc's

Oh... I see... so more than likely it's going to change...

That's the thing - I don't know.

Hm... cuz then we'd have to change our records

M - the budget hasn't been presented it... hence the reason L wants to compare and make final touches - she's the boss

Oh, so the production is going to be different?

No... seriously... imagine this, with massive stutterings, standing over you for a good 20 minutes well. By the time I tried (but apparently failed) to get the point across, it was already near 4... and Zupa wanted to go out for a drink with the coworkers.

I sent the budget files at 4:30pm - Friday 25th August - to my boss.

7:30am Monday morning:

Hey Sue... any word yet on the changes?

Er... no M... L isn't even here yet.

Hmm... ok, so maybe like what time so I can check you again?

*Why bother to ask? You're going to come every hour anyways*

Give me til before lunch... I'll check with L.

He came at 10... at 11:30... at 12:30... at 1:15... I swear...

2:35am Monday afternoon, L comes into the office:

Sue - we're going with the __ days

L exits.

M enters almost 1 split second after she leaves my desk:

So we changing production?

Yes...

How so... like, what we gonna do...

M... I will send you the file to review... ok? It's done already.

Oh ok... so production went down by like how much so?

I'm sending it to you right now... everything's there.

Lo and behold - 10 minutes after he comes in with a hardcopy of the new budget - "Hey Sue..."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Blah blah... I explain some figures that he needed clarification on.

Ah ok... thanks

Nada

Half hour later, same question.

This happens at least 2 times before my unimpressed drab and dry look takes over.

I come this morning and within the hour, I get a call from his supervisor - Sue, can you come explain these (same) figures to me?

They both sit in his office, while the supervisor goes over the calculations on the spreadsheet I sent... No talking, just him going through the SELF EXPLANATORY spreadsheet, nodding while reading.

I. - perhaps I can come back... morning report due.

*Slight nod*

Ooof... I think I am beginning to fear M the Acc. more than I fear lizards.

*Zuper goes back into budgetland... Mark-free*

Last day as 22

2006-08-24T09:45:00.000-04:00

Yup... just a few more hours before I hit the big 23. Woof... My mom had 5 kids at my age. I lapsin'!

I haven't done much work today... I did the essentials - reports et al... but then, pa-chaow! Nada mas.

So - at 10-something this morning, I get a call from security. I need to go down to the booth to collect a delivery made to me. Paow - a beautiful set-up of pink roses and other flowers with a pink bear attached and Chinese bamboo. S - you got me there... so didn't see that one coming. Though it was sorta embarrassing walking all the way back to my office with this in my hand! Ooof. hehe :)

Thanks, S.

So - I love Panic at the Disco... their new song is zuperb.... oi! A new favourite song on the way:

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

My big bro on their music:

pack of crap...catchy pop in disguise...

*coughs - Lue-sah!*

23... 23... oh dear. 23! That's a HUGE number! It's like, 3 years older than 20, 2 years older than 21, 7 years older than sweet 16, 5 years older than 18... oooooof. It doesn't mean anything.... just - big. I gettin' big. Noooooooooo - I'm not reeaadddyyyyy.

But I am thrilled about it :)

I love the independence... secretly love the figuring things out and the failings and the new discoveries and and and... early 20's - what a trip.

My 22nd year has definitely been the WORST year ever...
I got my heart broken, joined in with the working world, got my first car, apartment, and light bill - I've fallen out with my mother more worser than ever, and I've pondered on the idea of not existing, I've encountered each emotion possible - I think. Extreme happiness, zupa zadness, deep depression, yearning and excitement like never before. And most significantly, at 22, I got my belly-button pierced. Fierce - I know.

I probably learnt the most on my own in this stage though... so not all to nought. Though I wished I could've died instead of gone through the things I did, I know that they were necessary, and enjoy the fact that I WENT (past tense!) through them...

Yes - sure... who's to say that 23 would be any different?

You'd hurt again and again Zupa... that's life.

Yeah - but the first cut is the deepest. And I have a scar to remind me of it.

In fact - I look forward to tomorrow... a whole new year to play around with. A year to do things, and for things to get done. A year to experience each emotion I've been exposed to, and learn of some new ones.

Come on, hit me with your best shot. I dare ya'.

You know why 22 is the worst year ever? Because it is sh*t - literally. 22 = 2, 2 = two two = "too too" = crap = sh*t = ... you get it. Pure and utter s-h-eye-t.

Because of this age ("too too") you end up doing sh*t, taking sh*t, tolerating sh*t, finding yourself in sh*tty situations, getting a sh*tty job and sometimes look like sh*t - why? Because you are too too... and too too defines you for one whole year. Thank God I'm getting outta this sh*t soon enough. Sh*t man.

*Zue zoo wanders back into work land... 2 more hours zupa... just 2 hours more*

Ordinary People

2006-08-23T13:53:00.000-04:00

And we don't know which way to go...
Cuz we're ordinary people...
Maybe we should take it slow...
Take it slooooowwwwwwwww ohhh ohhh ohhhh... This time we'll take it slow....

Dude... why am I eating so much? Don't I understand that my birthday is THIS FRIDAY and that I should aim to look hot and sexy and slim and fabulous? Don't I understand that once food is within a 4m radius that I do not have to eat it? Geez...

I mean, yesterday was just horrid - from chocolates and other sweets, to greasy potato pies with channa, and pelau, baked potatoes, grilled chicken in pholourie sauce, and spagetti with red beans and onions... I do not have to eat at each and every venue I go to! Like drugs, SAY NO TO FOOD!
Woof...

Anyways... so, story time:

There once was a girl who had a boy... they went through too much together for their ages... but she was smart and he was a natural imps :) So while she pursued her degree in foreign cold lands, he stayed home and scratched.
Well, he scratched a bit too much, because while she was doing her thing in the big and cold, after a couple months, while she got her degree, he got a baby boy. This mashed her and thrashed her... and she felt a hate that kept a bind on her - a bind that kept him close to her, too. So they continued even though he was a new daddy. She hated him deep down, though.

Unhealthy? To say the least... yep.

She couldn't take anymore, parted ways with him after monnnntthhhhssss of in and out and around the bend... yep - though it sounded like "just another loop" with them, she made it final.

How the story ends? I dunno... but the most recent entry into this Mad Diary - the guy is getting married to his baby's momma. Uh huh... y' herrrrdddd. Fo' shizzle.

How does she react?

I can now control you with a smile

Yep - and that's how she knows things can be ok. Cuz after the storm, there is the calm... or, well, if it's the right season - another storm! Whatever... at least this time she'd know how to prepare better. And she's enjoying the new waters... rough or steady. Whatever :)

And that's the best part - the 'whatever' factor.

I swear... if I eat anything else, I'd faint or explode. Oof...

*Zue sings: I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourselfand yet I wanted to save us high water or helland I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you feltand in the meantime I lost myselfin the meantime I lost myselfI'm sorry I lost myself... I am*

I smell sex and candy

2006-08-22T12:25:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe not exactly, but I did eat chocolate. Oof... is it possible to gain 10 pounds in the 5 minutes I took to eat that chocolate? Darn it... I'm bustin' out all over the place.

My already small shirt makes me feel slightly Winnie the Pooh-ish.

So, weekend is over... Monday is gone... what did Zuper encounter?

Zu went to see My Super Ex-girlfriend on Friday... what a load of crap.

Then, the skater/rocker/biker concert on Saturday... local bands again (Bazodee truly rocks!!! and Burn sang some Zuper Zongs!!!) Had a bit of a scary ordeal - an encounter with a guy whose money and power got to his head and he paid off a big guy to "fix" a friend of mine... so while I sat in the car praying to get out of this safely, he was being "scared off and fixed"... ooof. Thank God that only involved a busted lip. My prayers were answered and the fear subsided after a couple hours... Thank God. The only other time I felt like that was when the taxi I was in got robbed... total and utter helplessness.

It's silly that only then do I really feel the need for God... yes, sure - I feel (and most probably are) utterly helpless in that situation, but I wish I could want God all the time like that. But not in those circumstances, of course.

Just to imagine things like this happen all the time - and even more worser things... it's baffling. I tell you... there must be justice in the world.

Then I went to watch a movie at S's place. He fell asleep... and I totally enjoyed Memoirs of a Geisha. Then is when I found out some things about S...

1. He snores... loudly
2. He can do chinese dances
3. He plays the bass even when sleeping

I swear... some chinee song come on, and my boy sleeping away eh... next thing I see shoulder movements and ting - in time with the "ching ching" of the tune too eh. Presh-uh. And then, at other times, quite randomly, his fingers would twiddle like he's plucking the strings of a guitar.

Then was church Sunday morning - I hearted the message... Pastor talked about Forgiveness and Reconciliation. So wonderful. "Forgiveness is mandatory and recommended... Roconciliation is optional and sometimes not the wise decision".

Love it.

Then - went to see "John Tucker must die"... another load to fill the crapper bowl. Oi. Or like a friend of mine said when inviting me to see the movie: "John F*cker Mus' Dead". Trinis.

Remember "how do you pop rock?"... I got another one:

On the phone last night, I said:

Darn, I feel hungry

(ok ok... that's the translated version... it was more like, oh gorm boy... ah horngry!)

Maybe I'd do some chicken strips

Pause on the phone... then laughter. Reply was:

Maaaan... I thought you said you were gonna get some chickens to strip.

The image of a stripping chicken to some porno music was too vivid... I laughed for probably 15 minutes straight.

Oh yeah... remember that the buggers didn't want to give me a new PC... well, my old PC is protesting for me at least... this is the second time since the departmental upgrade that the motherboard has crashed... oh yeah, baby... in yo' face.

*Zue-zoe goes back into fat land... now that she found out how to gain a million pounds in 1 second, she has to find out how to lose 2 million in just half a second... off to consult Professor Klump*

Macushla

2006-08-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

That's Irish Gaelic for "My darling, my blood". So beautiful, eh?

I was gonna write about something chirpy - something else... but I just got some grim news that has me thinking about human nature again...

There must be justice in the world, right? RIGHT?! I mean, good people end up having results finally, and bad people gets what's coming to them eventually... right?! I have to believe this, guys...

I see bad people being promoted every day... bad people being applauded and being given props all the time. On the other hand, there are some good people who slave and suffer - sometimes even under their bad bosses!

I know of this woman who took in her boyfriend of just about a year into her home with her kids... they formed a life together, which suited them both at the time. She paid the bills - I mean, it was her house after all - and he got to live in it. He got paid very little as he had no real skill (nor brains).

*Am I biased... naaaahhhh*

One day - he gets money. He wants more. He buys expensive car, but wants more. He wants an even more expensive car... she reminds him of their plan to keep the cheaper car, sell hers, and fix up the house for the family. He says he's worked too hard to drive anything else but that great big expensive metal on wheels... and he refuses to give it up. She tells him to leave. He waits for her to stop him and ends with "You really are putting me in a situation here" - talking about the fact that he has no where to park his big new car. She leaves the room.

I detest him.

She wonders if she made a mistake.

I assure her.

*Nancy! Don't be a ninny!*

Tell me that things work out in the end... please?! Please, God?! I need to know that he will pay for his selfishness and that she turns out to be stronger and better without him.

Justice needs to be served... bitter for the bitter, and sweet for the sweet.

I got to believe that... else I'd vanish.

Music Video Codes By Free-MusicVideoCodes.com

*Zue is off for the weekend... and I can't wait for the future ride....*

BESS SONG!

2006-08-17T15:38:00.000-04:00

I WRITE SINS, NOT TRAGEDIES (Panic At The Disco)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

I'm bringing sexy back

2006-08-15T12:45:00.000-04:00

Them other boys don't know how to act
I think what’s special is behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack.

Come here girl
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come to the back
Go ahead, be gone with it ...

Whoop whoop... schekshie song!

Today's Roberto's big day - his sweet sixteen. He's such a big chunk of love that I just can't never get enough of, y'herd! Firstly, he asked me to spend the night - y'know, to ring in the big day. Well, I had an impromptu thing last night and promised him that - yes - I will be back soon.

"Quick eh Sue-Ann... doh take long."

"ok ok... "

He called while I was out:

"Um, Sue-Ann... you ready to come home now?"

"In a sec Doo-doo... I'll be home soon enough."

He waited up for me... was falling asleep and when I kissed him to wake him up, he just looked at me and the sweetest smile came over his little mouth. Oof! I love that dude.

He strongly requested three things for his birthday:

1. An electric guitar

2. A motor bike

3. A gameboy Advance Spiderman 2 game

Guess which I'm getting. Of course the deciding factor was how much NOISE it makes :) I'm concerned about the environment!

Liar - unless the environment lies in your wallet

Oh shush.

*Zuper! The party's onnnn tonightt.... oooh, it's on!*

I write sins, not tragedies

2006-08-14T07:51:00.000-04:00

I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the ***damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

One mother of a song here! Yip.

First things first... whyyyyy whyyyy did I not do laundry this weekend?! Why dear God? *sniff sniff*

What have I done?!

Of course, all my snazzy pants are dirty, right... so, naturally, I got out a pair of pants I haven't worn in ages...

Let's just say that this is how I look:

Yah... like one great brown fuzzy bear.

The pants are - I guess - great... but they are soooo fuzzzyyyyyy and browwwnnn... oof. Whhyyyyyy. What did I do?!

Anyways - the weekend! After a stressfull run with the boys (kids) and that MovieTowne/money-spending trip, I needed a dose of adult-something. So I called J. up after I had a nap on Friday evening and at about 11pm we headed... er... all over. We first went to have KFC's "taste of India" chicken (yeah, it looked kinda green-ish like that) - yep, curry-fried chicken - then we just drove and drove after. We then finally landed in a club that was near empty at 2am. He's always been a fun breath of fresh air, and I felt good after headed home at about 4am. Not wanting to drive all the way back to Chag., I called my sister to see if I spend the "night"... expecting to hear a gruggy voice, I was oh too startled to hear a chirpy hello... of course, she said, she was surprised to hear me, too, as she was expecting to hear "oh, sorry - wrong number". Funny. Her husband used to tell her "yuh like a lil cockroach eh... squibbling about at weird hours doing things". She'd never change :)

Of course, in true T and S style, we stayed up and talked until about 5:30am, then I knocked out - cold. Slept til 1pm or so.

And then it was pop-rock... or as someone *ahem - J - ahem* said after I invited him "how do you pop a rock?" Talk about a Geologist to the core. Heh.

Pop-rock music awards, nerd! Well, this year it was more of a concert - no competition. Talk about poorly attended this year. Anyways, my sis invited her friends from school - one Grenadian (my ex-roomie), a Vincentian and a St. Lucian. They seemed to - er - enjoy the "different" setting. Apparently it was their first rock concert. Keekee.

The DJ also played some crappy music in between bands... I had to go request some good songs - one being I write sins, not tragedies... I almost went mad - my zuper belt fell off in the midst of my jumping and singing "I'd chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of..."

I had a blast, as always... Suz was disappointed that the bands really weren't what they usually are... but maaaan... I love the local bands. Rojas (from Orange sky) - I think he was checking me out... well, he kept looking our way even though his girl was right there *oof, guys*, and Jointpop's dude hung with us for a bit too... it was ever so random. Insert Coin was so good, and my fav band - Burn - rocked the docks. Xenn didn't play, nor did O-Sky or Skid, but they were all there... can't wait for another live performance thingie like that.

Er... then church on Sunday... no beach, and lots of food. Still tired, and with no boss, no deputy boss nor any secretary here today - the temptation to leave at half day is too strong. Must... resist....

Doo-doo's birthday is tomorrow, and he's having a sweet sixteen party... so I do have to leave early enough, anyways, to go get gifts et al. Baby bro is growing up *sniffle*.

*Zuper! You've got work to do! Darn it!*

Crash

2006-08-10T09:11:00.000-04:00

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

Those were the first lines in the movie Crash... such a great movie. Thing is, you watch it at different times, and you pick up different things.

So many parts in that movie you want to hold with you - like when the supposedly racist cop tells the other seemingly meek and mild former-partner cop who chose not to ride with him anymore cuz of his aggresive and overtly racist behaviour - "give yourself just a couple more years on the force... You think you know who you are. You have no idea."

Or when Jean, talking on the phone with one of her 'friends' - "I'm angry all the time... and I don't know why."

Ooof.

We're ridden with prejudices - if we know it or not, we still are.

So! Anyways! Hi! I'm wearing another snazzy tan-coloured jacket for the first time since I bought it (monntthhhs ago - heck, my mom and I bought it together, to tell you how long ago I bought it!) - and I feel so good in it. I mean, even just walking down the hallway I'm hearing Madonna's 'Vogue' - heck, I step into a room and all I hear is "strike a pose".

Sheesh. Isn't it funny that when you look good, you feel good? Or is it that you think you look good, so you feel good about yourself? Either way, it works :D And, today, it works well. *teehee*

Oh geez, M.... I have to admit to you that AT THIS VERY MOMENT I am breaking my diet contract... and I kinda don't feel guilty. Whoopsie daisy. And today is Curry-Q day... so more worser.

*Zue continues to get down and dirty with her bad self on this beloved tea plate - oh man, I love pastries*

Figuring out

2006-08-09T08:06:00.000-04:00

As for the date with M.E. - as usual, and as expected, we had a blast. Parrot told me once that everytime M and I go out we have some story to tell - something always happens. And this time was no different.

M and I got to Movietowne, bought our tickets for the 9:45pm show (at ~ 6pm), and headed to Ruby Tuesday's. We settled on appetizers and desserts - yuh know, in true trini style, to basically get as much taste in as possible (lickrishness!). Two coctails (each) and some wunderschoenderlichen chicken strips et al later, we - being lickrish and not learning our lesson from last time - ordered some ... hear nuh.... zuper brownie sundaes... hear nuh! Ruby Tuesday's chocolate fudge brownie is de bess. It look small eh... but oh ma lard... half-way through, I begane to see stars. I had to stop - realising that M had stopped too... it was too bloody rich and thick - why didn't we share?! Fadda...

We sat there, trying to shift and turn for the full bellies to settle so that we won't have to be rolled out of the place, and then headed out. Sure - we had time still - I mean, the movie was to begin in about an hour, but there was no way I could ingest anything further, nor was I able to walk around the shopping stores... no way possible. So we headed back to our cars to take a lil lie dong. I see M going in her car while I going in mine... didn't make sense to me:

"Err.... why we going in different cars?"

D'uh - so we both got into mah moss-green machine, put on the music and put the seats back - ahhh.... my belly was happy.

We chatted and laughed - innocent bliss. Next thing I know - red CRV middle aged lady stares and points her husband/whatever and friend/whatever to our direction. Now, we right there, so I look back - wondering what the heck they staring at. Of course, *yuh know me* put my hand up like "what's the deal? What yuh want? WHA YUH LOOKIN AT?!" - and sure enough I got a response... thank God for my mom's lip-reading training (yuh know those silent bouffs when allyuh in public nuh), I was able to read - direct from the devil's... I mean, lady's mouth:

"LESBIANS"

A a... she repeats it and looks as if she wants to approach us. Well yuh know Mz. Zue had to nod so as to reply - yes b*tch.

I guess trying to figure out situations and people are just a natural part of the human brain and personality, however, like is only we trinis that boldface enough come and blurt out their prejudices - colourfully displaying their ignorance. Oi - we have a far way to go.

This was followed by a guard passing up and down by my car and trying to throw words at us while passing - finding out later (from a guard friend - or, well, whatever - a guard there who calls me Suzette Lopez each and everytime (Suz is my sister's name, and Lopez is my cousin's surname... woof - well, she's close enough, at least) that the other guard was throwing words about our "lesbian activities" in the carpark. Jeeezzz....

This leads to horrid painful memories though - not lesbian activities, but of the greatest hurt in my life from some male-female activities in a car and possibly a car park. I hate you, B.A.

Effin' A.

So anyways, some advice my bro gave to me concerning my idea on going to the UK on the Working Holidaymaker thingie:

Before leaving for promises of greener grass I think you should check that this is not just all in your head.
My recommendation would be to take your focus off of trying to rule the world before you turn 30, relax and set realisitic career goals...

and he concluded, in true Wel style:

...so you telling me you have a cushy high paying job that you can't relax for 1 more year on? We should all have your problems.

Gotta love having big bros.

*Z continues to munch on her peanuts - trying to push sh*tty memories out of her head.... ooof*

The Devil Wears Prada

2006-08-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

I have a very special date tonight ... one with a Ms. M.J.E. Oh yeaaahhh... dinner and a movie and and and.... that's the way it goes with us and these things...

Like when we'd take hours for lunch and dinner at this very corner - I mean, we would have no real intention of staying THAT long, but we always did - unless one of us had a bitchy day and had to be alone :) Of course, I was the one who NEVER EVER EVER had a bitchy day - but those other girls and their mood swings! *hehe ahem ahem - don't you DARE comment... or else!*

So - more on my date... ME and I (that sounds schizo) are off to Tony Roma's for dinner fuss fuss, then to Movietowne to catch that movie on that she-devil wearing expensive footwear.

*Zue drools on the thought of good, nice, expensive footwear...mmmm*

I'm excited to see her... we've been on such a rollah-cohstah recently - individually and with each other - heck, I guess that's friendship.

So - the African-dress-day is today, and here's a pic of my friend, D... this outfit was brought in from Nigeria... excuse me :) again, I feel the need to protest on discrimination against the lighter folk! Ain't I got African roots too?! Shrimps man.

You know contractions - they occur far apart at first, and then they come closer and closer together? Well, I'm about to have the baby... Yes... the contractions at work were few and far apart... now, not only do they occur daily, but sometimes different issues in one day! I'm about to pop, and I'm oh-too-excited about it.

*What is Zuper gonna pop out? Stay tuned... on the Adventures of ZuperZue!*

Diary of a Mad Half-black Woman...

2006-08-03T10:53:00.000-04:00

You don't know that movie? Woof - you're lamer than I thought!

It's based on this girl - just about 22 - 23 years old, I believe - who lives in the Caribbean. Think her name is Sue, or something like that. Those are unnecessary details to the real message behind the movie - unfair or not, her life took a swooshing topsy-turvy hit, causing her to really take a vital turn around - apparently "starting anew". She was more or less forced out of the life she grew to know into the unknown - basically fending for herself - I believe she even had to move to another country (UK, I think it was... not sure), pick up a job she never thought of doing before - all the while picking up the pieces of her heart and very being that seemed to have been shattered.

I never saw the end of the movie, though... apparently only one Person has, and He just won't tell.

*Shakes head despondently* "Just another bitter half-black woman..."

"I'm not bitter...... I'm mad as hell."

On the topic of half-black, apparently tomorrow 'my' company is having a Emancipation lime and the word is some people were asked to dress in African wear as there is some competition for best African garb. Hello?! How come I wasn't asked?! I - like most other people here - have African roots! I should confront them about this - discrimination against the lighter-skinned folk.

Of course I'm kidding... it's true - my father is 'black', but I'm as pale as...as... medium pure beige in the Maybelline (NY) Dream Matte Mousse makeup :)

What exactly did the makeup lady say again? I was just about to pick up a colour in the "Honey Beige" section when I heard something like:

"Dahlin', dat colour ain't go work on you yuh know... yuh hadda go lighter - like the Light Beige - yuh face real pale yuh kno'"

"Er... no thanks... I'll just test the Medium Beige, please"

"We ain have no tester in dis nah... but I tellin' yuh... you real pale"

"Uh-huh - got that the first time... I'll just take the Medium Beige... thanks"

*slight steups* "Or-rite"

Or like yesterday at the Laundromat - dropping off some shirts, and after talking to the girl for like 10 minutes before (about some shirt of mine that they still had for me):

"Address, please"

"Blah blah blah... Chaguanas"

"Ok... you was always dey? Or you now move in... you from Venezuela or sometin'?"

"Uh - I'm Trini..."

"Fuh true?!"

Must be the latina-accent and trouble finding proper - er... how you say? - phrases while talking that gave me away.

*Zu-zu remembers - ooooh.... she's at the office! Maybe she should start some work... whoops - it's lunchtime*

Whosalosa?

2006-08-02T07:36:00.000-04:00

I am sooooo procrastinating right now... I kinda need to clean up my desk and organise some stuff (monthly report is basically done), however...

Should I fight this procrastinating habit? It was so much easier to make changes when younger - it was not too much pressure to starve myself until I felt good enough in my own skin, or becoming vegetarian (well, for almost a year, anyways), or anything that required - basically - a change in day-to-day living.

Why?

It's not like I'm super comfortable now so much so that I feel no need to really change... au contraire. However, I give less than a rat's ras about people's perception of me... I mean, before, my motivation seemed mainly external... er... is that right? Er... I'm confused now... cuz I think I was more content then than I am now, and actually, thinking about it... I am very concerned about how I am perceived... Jeez... I think I'm crazily confused (*nah, you're fine... just stick with me, and we'd be just fine...*) - Huh?! Who said that?!

Is there a way to train yourself to be more decisive? I don't think I'm that badly off, I just seem so and well - I dunno *hehe*... for instance, on the coffee-thing with Mr. B.J. I kinda shifted around before settling on which table I wanted to sit at... but, as he also noted, I had something in mind - I didn't want that one cuz the lighting was too bright, nor that one cuz the lighting was uneven and so close to the glass wall that I felt any passer-by would bump into me or could see up my nose... not even that one, either, cuz it was too much in the open - middle of the floor? Don't think so. So we found the perfect one - next to a plant, against a wall, shady but not-too-dark lighting and the window close enough to feel open yet just a good enough distance away to feel that - yes, we are inside the shop and not actually sitting on the road. It had the comfy feeling - j'h-know? So, though it looked as if I just couldn't choose, I just had to have an ideal-ish feeling before I could sit. Who doesn't do that?! *They're weird* I agree... but who said that?!

I always had that problem - with idealism... I remember when reading up for this assignment for the Crowther course (Semiotics - remember, K? Good times at 4am nearing summertime and hearing you scream out "F*cking birds!" at the end of an all-nighter) on Reynolds' philosophy on art and ideals... even then he noted that though the ideal state (which everything apparently has) could never ever be attained, artists keep striving to capture it - with each 'time' being a step further to achieving it than the last.

So why can't I just accept that - look, I cannot achieve the 'ideal life' I probably have in mind - and though I can strive for it, I should just be content with accepting that that's all it is - striving for the ideal, and fine enough with each progressive stage.

Bleh :P

*You talk too much crap* - Yuck Fou.

*Zuper is off to find some structure - well, at least after she finishes her tea and then checks her emails, and voicemail, and ... Zu! You're drifting again! Darn it...*

Creation and Evolution

2006-07-31T13:15:00.000-04:00

So, I went on that ... dare I say... date with Mr. B.J. I so enjoy his company. We first headed for a cuppa, then for some fingerfood and drinks at The Bight - just outside on the patio overlooking the sea and the boats and the scenic... *hehe*... oil rigs.

Oh, and the dinner on Friday... jeez an' ages... crab backs and coconut shrimp in tamarind and plum sauce. Woof! ZuperZcrum-shus!

Mr. B. always fascinated me... I dunno... though he's not a Christian, he's the best Christian I know. Yep - he lives a Christian life (the real kinda logical one - not the "religious spirited" one), though he doesn't know it. He always had a mind and - perhaps - heart of a great wise man. Of course, in keeping with that, he doesn't think so at all, and is one of the most humble people. I even remember him, especially at school, really beating down on himself (not externally, though... he's very introverted in his behaviour) for very simple and tiny errors... of course that being the very reason he'd get down on himself.

He really hasn't changed much... still simple, still great. I think it shocked me more that it shocked him that I could actually follow just a tip-of-the-iceberg amount of the "math terms" he threw at me... Cauchy and Riemann, you made me look good.

Then, of course, we talked about Christianity... the boy seemed so relieved that I wasn't a "there is no other book than the Bible!" sorta follower of Christ. It's kinda bad, though, that he did think I was like that all this time! It finally hit him, though, when we were talking about the great book - The Final Quest - and the visions the man had had... he turned to me:

One question... *B.'s serious face*... was he on acid?

Well, I couldn't help but giggle... kinda caught me off-guard.

Hehe... well, who knows - perhaps. And - let me just say - thank God for his acid usage cuz I got a great message out of it!

He so didn't expect that response, apparently... he even said he thought I'd be all "What?!?! Never! No way!!".

Anyways, so we talked about Creation vs. Evolution... and the combination therein *what's it called again, B?* I really am not well read on this, though... so again me feels like a mocks. Hehe...

You know, when you think about it, we were all basically trained to think like evolutionists (like, we grew up learning that - basically - everything operated as we view it today - geological and biological stuff-wise)... however, even though the Bible sorta teaches "differently", religious beliefs still reign. So, I guess it would make sense to combine the two... I just never really thought about it (my belief in God's creation is too strong to just give up and believe in evolution soley) nor read about it... B and K always have some zuperkuhl issues and ideas.

Other than that, I ate like a pig all weekend long (thanks Suz!), went to Church and laughed my ras off (the Pastor is so zuper... such a great sense of humour - he was talking about Esther at the time... and he was saying that she thought she was in a beauty pagaent basically- parading for the king, and he did the walk saying "if yuh see Esther walk"... man, that set me off), played Boogle until 10pm and time to hit the road to Chag chag.

*Zuper realises how little she got done for the day... ah well, tomorrow's a holiday, and guess who's the lucky one to work? Man... zuper... you livin' da life*

Eine woche!

2006-07-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

Ja ja... ich weisssssssssssss... it's been just about (ok, over!) a week.

But ich war in training from Montag to Thurs-tag... from 8am - 4pm. Let me be more precise... ich war in a very tediously monotonous training session. Woof. I mean, the guy (instructor) knows his stuff - no lie - but the scope was so broad and so - er - uninteresting to go into such depth and hop and skip all over the place - who doesn't prefer consistency?

Oi... that brings something else to mind - and in going with this blog entry (hopping and skipping, aren't I?) - I AM THAT MAN! I am probably the most inconsistent, horribly in-un-dis-decisive person you could meet! Geez... it's frustrating... (think I'm schizo?)

Why the heck did I go to fricking IUB? Holy cowunga... I've gotten a taste of ... something... and I just cannot be content without it. I love Trinidad... I love the weather, the beaches, the culture... but... but... (BUT WHAT?!)

Darnit...

You know when you have an image in your head of how things should be... yet the reality barely matches?

I'm seriously thinking of a huge change... I am giving myself until the end of my 22nd year of life (24th of August, to be exact)... if some hope is not injected into my life (or perception thereof) by then, on August 25th, 2006 I am going to change my hair and organise to hit the road... more specifically, make plans for the working-holiday visa (UK).

If hope - some kind of hope - surfaces, then I'd give myself (or 'it') until the end of the year... if hope doesn't bud a fruit, English plan it is.

Signed and sealed.

Why blog this info? Perhaps to remind myself - you know, when the Ann comes out and Sue takes a rest...

**'Split personality' by Pink starts to play... - "Tell me what do they see when they look at me... do they see my many personalities... ooh ooh oh... Can you help me, does anyone hear me... can they even see me, this is my reality, oh oh... So I'm putting it all on the table... you don't know me well enough to label me sick or even disturbed, when you break it down I'm just two girls... trying to blend trying to vibe *trying*... trying to live just one life *it's so hard!* everybody's got insanities, I've got a split personality"**

Oi...

So, I have something to look forward to tomorrow... something I've been looking forward to for such a long time. I am finally meeting up with (not boucning up) one of my favourite persons... B.J. (oh like Barney!!! "BJ is the one!") . We have no real plans, other than meeting up intentionally. I wonder if he knows that I'm going to propose, have his babies and love him for the rest of my life? Hmm... well, he'd find out soon enough.

*Zu zooms off to dinner... our boss is going back to the States... and we'd miss him more than ever....*

Of Men and ... Milkshakes

2006-07-17T16:23:00.000-04:00

Yessiree... we did it. Berto and I had our date...

I mean, I just couldn't not go... the dude called me everyday for the week to make sure I got it - yes, we are still on, Berto. He even called Saturday morning while I was at the gym - leaving me 3 voicemails, and had my stepdad call me too! "Sue-Ann? You have a date with my son today?" hehe... I guess he was excited :) *yuh tink?*

So, Saturday started with an attempt at spin class... I got there on time - 9:00am for the 9:15am class... the instructor decided that even though the class is waiting, she could take her time and ole talk her way all over the gym... finally making the class 15 minutes later. I got so pissed, I cancelled my booked bike and headed to the floor to do arms and shoulders instead. I really detest inconsideration. The gym was so empty so it really was good. Even now my arms pain.

After this, I headed for my date. Roberto decided to invite my nephew, Dave, and we all headed first to the mall for lunch, then grocery shopping et al, then to the zoo. We had a blast.

We got home, made our strawberry milkshakes and totally enjoyed it.

Then church on Sunday, then sit and be lazy for the rest of the day :)

Anyways, I finished reading the second book to The Final Quest - called The Call. These books really are fantabulous. A line that I just can't forget from this book is:

Good is the greatest enemy of Best.

Wawch.

I mean, we say it in different ways all the time - "settling for...", etc... but it all comes down to the fact there is this huge gap between average and great. It ain't no fine line... at all. It is, however, ever so easy to settle for being just average... and this perhaps is not a bad thing... it is even desirable most times - hence it being commonplace. But those you get a piece of greatness - through whatever experiences, direct or not - they know how ... er... great it is, but to get to that place is full of all these sacrfices and battles that most turn back before attempting to go the extra mile and think - "you know what? I rather stay right here where I'm comfortable". That deadly horrid place - a comfort zone... *shudders*. To me, this place is worse than any Twilight Zone. Dude.

But, like most things I fear and detest, I found it in myself... yessir - I am getting used to my liddle C.Z. I'm not particularly elated about where I am, but neither am I too uncomfortable... I'm... ok (ok = average?!).

Why take risks?

Because the rewards are far greater.

Suppose I fail?

Then so be it. And so what... you get back up. It ain't ever really do or die.

I gotta listen to myself sometimes.

*Zue vooms back into that horrid C.Z.... when will she take her next risk? When will Zue taste the sweetness of taking charge? Stay tuned, on the Adventures of ZuperZue!*

Dere is a floooood on de mainroad, woh-ee-oo-ee-oh on de mainroad

2006-07-14T12:56:00.000-04:00

Wo Ataklan! Lyrix!
That song has been going through my head ever since I saw him last night.

Zuper went to Karaoke Night for the first time at 51 Degrees yesterday with a random bunch of people - well, friends of my friend (not that random). I love Karaoke! Now, mind you... I always knew this... my bro gave my mom a Karaoke machine for Christmas, and alllllllllllllll day long for weeks after the holidays I'd be the mistress of the mike. Heck, even before that, I would blast Alanis in my roomie's ear (hehe - remember, K?) and sing to the top of my lungs... so a Karaoke night was just heaven for me :)

So - weekend plans? Yup - big ones. My baby bro and I have a date... all day on Saturday. First thing: we get lunch. Then, we go to the grocery to get what is on his grocery-list to make milkshakes - one of his many favourite things. We should then get some DVD's and head home to prepare the shakes to settle in, slurping away while we watch our movies.

I can't wait. I love that dude like crassy.

I've been number crunching for the past two days - budget preparing. Just got back from the meeting to present my number crunching results... to find out that I need to crunch some more. I'm so excited (said like Cat in The Hat - British accent and all)!

I sent my bro this pic... he says: You do realise you pull the same face for every pic?

Er... yeah, I kinda do :D

*Zue gets back to the final number crunchings before the blessed weekend!*

How easy it is to slip...

2006-07-13T11:17:00.000-04:00

... off of that cliff. We ALLLL know that if you touch fire, you get burnt... yet we place our fingers ever so closely just to see how much it could burn.

Every day I put my makeup on in the car while in traffic getting to work... why? I dunno... Not that I am late for work and hustle out of the house, nor is it a lack of time or anything - just a bad habit. So - I'm almost done... just looking for that eyeshadow I love... when BAM! Yep - I rolled right into the guy in front of me... I usually almost run into the car in front of me, but always look up just in time to slam on the brakes. Well, not this time.
I was so stupefied (stupid?) that I just froze - didn't come out the car, didn't even reverse... just looked like a dummie... The guy came out, looked at his back bumper (when I finally reversed) and just looked around... after about 15 secs he just showed me a hand movement to mean "forget about it". I was scarrrrrrrrrrred and I think it showed. Woof.

I always hear about this happening... and thought that I could never be THAT distracted to actually hit anyone. And how many times does something have to almost happen before we get the point - DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN FIRE, DUDE! Geez... It can almost happen 1,000,000,000,000... times and we STILL don't get it... know why? Cuz it never really happened! I guess it has to burn to learn. Oi.

This follows into most things, though... we take things way for granted. Remember Grenada? How many times has a hurricane almost destroyed them? Too many... however, only after getting hit by Ivan they (Grenadians) now take precautions whenever the hurricane season arises... No matter how many times one is told to "beware", how many times do we actually take it on? Cuz it can never happen to you, right? How wrong we can be...

On another note - me cooks! And me cooks kinda wells! Yep - after the spin and abs class, yuh girl drive to Xtra Foods and got herself some chicken, rice and peas... and I stewed them all - voila - lunch for the next two days! I have to stop putting so much curry in every meal I make though... my stew came out just a little too curry-yellow to be really a stew. Hermmm...

So - I have an interview with the International School next week... yep - to be a Teacher. I - all of a sudden - am not that enthused anymore. Too much opportunity/events/progression/money in oil - wanna stay in it. But to do whaaaaaaaaaat?

*The confusion saga continues... next time, on The Adventures of ZuperZue!!*

Ok, I get it!!

2006-07-11T09:54:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh!! Yes yes! I get it!!! I have some things to learn!!! Jeeeeez.

My sis and I were talking over the weekend about situations we find ourselves in... what is the purpose of it all? And when will it change? We came up with this - in situations where we find ourselves facing difficulties, it really isn't about the other persons involved, nor is it about any other external thing you can find - though this is the almost immediate reaction. Rather, it's about YOU. And more than likely, the situation would not 'change' unless you get the point!

To me, it's God's way of 'teaching' us.

But you know what... I GET IT!! I have things to overcome!

What doesn't kill will make you stronger... or even better: What doh kill does fatten, and what doh fatten does purge! At least I hope so...

A small incident - we all know by now that I am treated differently in my department... I have been asking for an umbrella (you know, those nice big company ones...) for some time now... nada. I got upset and grudged at 'this blasted place', as I usually do - with the telephone, the training... and more recently, with my PC (more on that later). Yesterday, it was raining yet again (rainy season), and I just decided in a mild, unangry state-of-mind, that I would go buy an umbrella today. I mean, I wasn't cursing my company for ignoring my plea, I was genuinely like "oh, you know what? I should get an umbrella before I get ill again" kinda thing... calm, collected, and finally over the grudge. I visited my brother after going to see Click last night (such a nice movie) to pick up some laundry I left at his place, and just like that he asked "you want an umbrella?" "Oh, no it's fine... I'll run to the car, thanks", I replied. "No no... I don't mean now, I mean would you like an umbrella... as in to keep - I got loads of extras". I wasn't expecting it, and was stunned and so appreciative... it was so symbolic.

A small example, but it taught me a principle... yes, I get it... until I get a grip and let anger and strife go, I won't progress. Geez.

The most recent of work issues - PC upgrades... everyone's getting it. I mean, everyone. In fact, these things are so monstrous - fastest of fast, storage like a frickin' server! However, when my PC crashed (dunno what went on... I came in on Sunday to get a figure for the Big Boss and pow - no connection to the server... ah well), and there was no way to repair it, what does Zuper get? I get Dell to come in to repair it. Nope - no upgrade - no new monster, no flat screen - same ol' TV monitor. If that wasn't bad enough, since the PC's been down for 2 days now, I got this tiny... TINY laptop to work on in the meantime... everyone else in my office has laptops AND docking stations - both having 17 inch screens... what's a girl to do.... oi.

I was so ill yesterday and so tired of it all, after I asked the senior engineer why I won't get a new PC too and he said that I have to "fight for it" ... I gave up, went home early, drugged with Panadol and ever so down. I cried and cried on my way home... I cried myself to sleep... fedup with the same treatment over and over... the last one - the one in which I lost all loyalty to the company - was when they got me the CD-Rom training rather than sending me to San Fran. for the actual "overseas" training. Mind you, this is all while everyone else in the department gets to go on overseas training (actually overseas!!) at least twice a year.

What is the lesson here?! I get that I have to learn something... but I guess the anger I hold is preventing me from seeing it for now... And I know that unless I let it go soon, I won't get to progress - either within this company or elsewhere.

I should get back to that backedup work I have...

*Zue swims into the flood of work leftover - perched over the tiniest laptop she's ever seen...*

Issues

2006-07-07T11:20:00.000-04:00

Firstly - awwwwwwww.... that's me mom and big bro.... aww shucks now. That's when my mom came across for my graduation and big bro came for a couple days to visit us. Bremen city... miss those pigs (not the ones in the blue shirts :P).

Issues are hard to deal with, huh? I know I have one or two very major ones... and after a small meeting with a friend of mine yesterday, I realise that no matter how big you think yours is, other people have issues just as big (well, how can we compare, right?) to them. This chica - you can look at her and really think she should be the time to walk with her head high... confident, intelligent, sociable and on a great career track. But to her - those things fade to what she holds high to herself - race and skin-colour. Waw. Actually, those things that I listed (confident, etc...) - those are things that I esteem... and even that is relative. I mean, my priority scale is just that... mine. After talking with her, though she considers those things, apparently race and skin-shade is the most affecting factor. I've always known of things like this before, but never took it too much to heart. But now, as I compared my own issues that I'm currently battling with hers... we react in the same way - just the roots are different.

Issues yes... papayoi.

Hmm... lime later at my boss' apartment... can't wait. I'm inviting my sister as my "significant other" - I'd go by myself, but a girl here claims that she and her boyfriend can beat anyone at Scrabble... we'd see about that later....

Girl at work: Oh you better BRING IT

Sue: Honey, it's already been BROUGHT!

Audience: oooooh it's on!

We're gonna serve tonight.

I bounced my mom up at the grocery store last night - went shopping for 2 things - turned out to be more like 20 things. Anyways... I just passed by and shocked her "Hi mom"... she seemed so surprised... we need to talk soon... she's my mom, and we can't go on like this... it's been way too long. Anyways, what became of my grocery shopping spree? Lunch! Yesh yesh... I cooked! Baked chicken, Angel Hair (pasta, cheesy) pie, and veggies. Boi-aka.

Oh, the guy who had this (my) job before (the guy I took over from) told me about this job that someone asked him to recommend someone... at EOG Resources... I called the guy today to see what the updates were... nothing yet... World Cup halts alot more than we think. I'll keep praying and keep da blog posted (hehe... I love saying that here :) "I'll keep you posted"... hehehehehehehe - whew).

*Zu zooms off to her HOME-MADE lunch... with an oh too proud look on her face... oh puh-leez, Zu... grow up!*

Monthlies

2006-07-04T10:16:00.000-04:00

Today has got to be the worst day... ever. More worser than my last worsest day. Firstly, as for the kid and tutoring him - that went horribly - that last day WAS our last day of study... anyways... we got over it.

Whatever.

I spent the second or third night in a row at my sister's place last night... we had so much fun together, initially... but I'm not a kid anymore, and I got used to my own space... started to feel a bit 'crowded' and disorganised... Anyways, so I get up to realise that I hadn't organised my work clothes - and so had to borrow my (3 feet shorter and smaller than I) sister's clothes... irritation numero uno. No shoes to match - oi. Anyways, I said I'd figure it out and started to look for my car keys to head on to work - late. Can't find them. Spent over 45 minutes looking around her apartment for these keys. Nada. Eventually found it near where I thought it would be - it just slid off the counter and into a basket of clothes nearby. Grrrr. Ready to head on out, I asked my sister to borrow her only pair of black closed-toe shoes - I couldn't - she needed them for her interview this morning. Ok, so that means I had to head home before heading to work. Wonderful. I was already half hour late for work - but nevermind.

This is all after yesterday....

Yesterday was before this weekend...

This weekend, I had to work - month end report due - I swear, these are worse than my female monthlies.... and sometimes they collide. Come to work to realise that some contractors were supposed to fax me a crucial to the report document... nada. Ok... so I would finish it on Monday...

Come to work, stuff already set up - ok, nicely, things are running. Whew. Issue report in good time... Proud. Not. There is an "accounting" error. Have to try to resolve it. Can't. At least not on my end, nor could it be something that can be done at this last minute. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Went over everything with some accountants, my boss... we came up with the only solution - to cut our production - make the entire company look horrible. Yep - that's my job.

Now, everyone wants to be the hero to save the day from big ol' Zuper, and actually, at this very moment, my boss, the MD, and the Financial Manager is having a meeting in the room next to mine. Oich.

Hello - my name is Zupa, and I'm a worry-a-holic.

Anyways... I'm sick of salad, tired of confusion, and love aerobics. I also adore my baby bro's recent remark:

"Roberto, you have Chicken pox?"

"No"

"Roberto?! You have Chicken Pox?!"

"Err... no"

"Roberto... you HAVE chicken pox!!!"

"Um, you.... YOU have Peacock?"

He hears what he wants to hear... love you, Doo doo.

Okie... bye.

*Zuper... goes to do something else... grumbling*

Child Psychology

2006-06-27T10:15:00.000-04:00

Rooohhh, herro there...

So, yesterday, I left work early enough so as to maximize on the time spent with Dan in revising for his second day of exams. Bam numero uno! Traffic heading to town - isn't that weird? I dunno what caused it, but there was as much traffic going to town as there was from town (that latter being expected daily). Despite this, I arrived to pick Dan up from at my Mom's early-ish. Bam numero dos!! There he is - among all nephews/baby-bro - watching a movie that they all wanted to see for so long... and it had just started! How dare I strip him away from that, right? I was also feeling a bit under the weather (please PLEEEEEEEZE be chickenpox!!), so there I was trying to nod off in the noise while sitting in a not-too-comfy chair. Eventually - when it finishes - we head to his mother's place to start the ball a-rolling. After a shower, we only had about 2 hours before his dad picks him back up! Darnnnn. In any event, we began...

... very smoothly too. We started with his favourite subject (and mine! Math!), so we were both in jovial moods. Yey. Then we got to something he didn't understand... I tried to explain it to him, but he was just not concentrating. Then I realised - duuuuuuuuuude - I didn't feed the child! Fadda Lawd. So, I got right on to my gourmet chefrus maximus role and prepared - ahem ahem - macaroni and cheese (from the box) with stewed chicken (from my mom) - *teehee*. He gobbled it up (little dude likes to eat - and any other thing that would assist in his beloved procrastination *sounds familiar?!*) - however, I still used this time to go over some concepts *what's wrong with me? Don't I get it?! The little dude's concentration lies in his stomach at the mo! Geez...* - this did NOT go down as well as the stew did. He just couldn't get anything that was coming out of my mouth... no matter how I broke it down. Know what happened? He just wasn't interested anymore - and we all know how difficult a barrier that is to cross! I got so irritated that I raised my voice just a bit - as if his not understanding had to do with some sort of hearing problem - whew. This just made things worse - perhaps by intimidating him and giving blows to his already shattered self-esteem. Holy Camoly... I was on a roll, wasn't I? After I went back into "nice" mode, he still refused to even look at me while I asked questions, gave examples of the answers, gave hints ... nada. He had... dum dum dummmm .... COMPLETELY locked me off!

All in all, this is basically how it went from there - yeah - though we had just under an hour left, we got NADA done... NADA. He cried, stared blankly into space and pouted... yet never said a word. No matter which approach I used - the ever so nice, the stern - heck, I even pulled the "Jesus is looking down on this" card. Nada still.

Know what I did here? I just sat him down, and - in a normal voice - went over ALL his work; basically, I preached to the little dude... "drop the 'e' before adding the suffix... double the last letter if the vowel sound is short then add '-ing'... 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' when the sound of the 'e' is long..." alles.... alles alles ALICE!

I just never gave in... no matter how much I wanted to. I let him know - hey, I ain't giving up, in, sideways, noways ... I'm sticking with you - even though both you and I want to.

That was one of the hardest things to do... but I did it.

We ended, he went to lay down before his daddy called to say he's on his way... he 'fell asleep' (or, rather, pretended to so as to avoid the tension... heck, I OWN that trick)... I woke him "Dan, daddy's here - *kiss* see you tomorrow". So he knows - yes, we are still on, and no, you didn't bother me (though it did, I couldn't let him know he has that power over moi).

Later, feeling the stress of it all come down on me, I went to my (other) sister's - she was just going through work with her son, Dav (same age, same school, same exam as his cousin - little dude, Dan), and there were so many similarities - however, their personalities still came through - Dav would kick and scream and cry and fuss... Dan would lock off and stare; Dav is certainly an extrovert while Dan is the opposite, dealing with things internally. They both had walls up to this horrid thing called schoolwork. Truth be told - I believe getting through to Dan, due to his personality, was 100 times more difficult than getting through to Dav; Dav wasn't shy about saying "I don't know! I don't understand this! I rather lie down - my head aches! *growl cry and grumble*". With Dav, we could talk things through.... with Dan... good luck getting over than high barrier he creates.

Child Psychologist - I give thee praise *and a couple Kalms for the nerves*.

You learn something from everything, right? What did I learn from all that? Lots of things... firstly, that to be regarded as more flexible and to keep myself open to really work things through, I should be more open and verbal and truthful about my current status on the given matter. I think it's win-win - benefits those who would have to work with you and also is self beneficial. People would also be less prone to give up on me...

...or is that so? Knowing Dan's potential also added to my continuous trying to get through - because when he does, he shines. It's as if through his introvert manner he meticulously processes stuff - just on his own time, and in his own way. Dav... he lays everything out there for you... and is heavily influenced by the external. You not only guide his thoughts, you also sometimes create it for him... he goes on what he hears/is taught. So, what you give in, you should expect to come right back out - that's "getting it" for him.

I dunno... I going on what I get from 2 9/10 year-old dudes here! Cut me some slack :P

Ok.... woof, I blabbed. *whosablabba? zusablabba!*

*Yes... stay tuned for another episode of The Adventures of ZuperZue - Teacher Edition*

Teacher for a day (or two)

2006-06-26T11:02:00.000-04:00

Yep - that's right. It happened - I babysat/tutored my 9-year-old nephew this weekend - just as planned... though not really.

I forgot how short the attention-span and how great the determination of a young boy (all men?!) actually are...

Firstly, he refused to start - well, initially. I got so mad (distraught, rather) after I called him and asked if he was ready and he told me a blatant "No... I want to stay by Daddy...", went to my (other) sister's place and just relaxed, thinking to myself - whatever... I can't stress myself out right now... *I look for dat... I'm the adult - why would I ASK him what he wants to do?!?*
But I had to... I had promised my sister to take care of her baby, and I cared about my nephew's well-being. Also, I remembered that as a kid, it's sometimes hard to see soooo far into the future (i.e. a couple days is forever to the anxious little dude), and that I am the one who has the experience to know what must be done now and why (doing to consequences in the future - near and far). Now, I ain't the mom... but I have to play that - or whatever such time constraits permits - for a few days.

I called back the little dude...
"Dan... I will be picking you up early in the morning and we will start with Language Arts - first thing. Ok?"

Pause... no reply.

"Ok then, see you tomorrow, sweetie!"

Pause, no reply, dial tone.

I took charge. Good.

He was in a good mood and normal after his football practice - and after his (much needed) shower, we had a productive study session. Mind you, for about half hour each... the little dude needed several breaks - if not, he started to look like me in my worst interview (at CMMB) - blank, nodding, eyes as distant as ... as ... Germany.

Sunday was much better - we started with a great brunch (better, K? :P) at Vie de France, all the while going over his 7, 8 and 9 "times tables". The little dude got skills - mathematical ones, at that!

All in all.... I AIN'T READY FOR KIDS! That.... THAT... is the moral of my story!!! hehe... honestly though... whew! I guess, though, that it should be that I'm not ready to be a single parent. Perhaps. Then again... when ARE you gonna be ready for that kinda commitment? Hmm...

Anyways, I gots to get to training... also, later my little dude has another exam to prepare for... yey me.

*Zue ca-tooshes into the Training room - whosalosa? CD-Rom training's-alosa!!*

A a... like I went on blogging vacation?!

2006-06-23T09:50:00.000-04:00

... ent?! Pressure...

World Cup fever persists - despite our being eliminated... but no one of us really expected us to win WC'06, right? We did much more than most though we could do! Well done, Soca Warriors! Two words... well, ok, more than two - Shaka and Carlos... outstanding! *Carlos, will you marry me?*

I felt a pang of jealousy and nostalgia watching the matches and the parades in the streets of Germany... and a tad angry too! Four years ago, when I decided to choose "that German school" instead of doing the conventional - i.e. heading to North American universities for further education - I was greeted with several remarks "Germa-who?", "Germa-where?", "Germa-why-girl?!", "Whey you goin' quite-o quite-o for?", "Honestly now... who even goes there anyways...", mostly said with this facial expression - a mixture of scorn, puzzlement, and ... something else. Now, just about everyone comes with smiles "Can you speak German?", "Aye... yuh ain't goin' back? I goin'?! Teach meh some German nah..."

I love you, Germany. I miss you... I miss our time - when it was ours. I wish I could turn back the clocks... I'd... I'd... fail a couple courses to stay a bit longer :P hehe... joking! But I'd definitely lived it up much more than I did... oi oi oi.

Is it too late? Germany... wilst thou consider the I an' I once again?

Soooooooo.... I am in the process of dropping out of that BEng. programme... yep. I'm a "college drop-out"... camoly! Though I stated to the Head of Department that I "couldn't continue with classes due to unforeseen circumstances"... this isn't entirely the full truth - though it is wholly true.
Yes... the circumstances were unforeseen... I got bored! This may come across as haughty -perhaps - however, other than the fact that the Math class pace was ... well ... ok, I've done most of the things they had to cover, and too... the instructor went so slowly! I was borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeedddd to the max! Chemistry was fine - not easy, and very interesting... and the other course was so so so disorganised and the instructor so full-of-it... and yuh know yuh girl and her gettin'-annoyed-ever-so-easily attitude already and how I turn to switch-off mode!

Truth is, as a friend and fellow (ex) classmate pointed out - it's a Bachelor's... i.e. the first year or two is gonna be more general and basic before specializing in the final year(s). And I believe therein lay the problem... I have already gone through the introductory phases... and I already have been down that "conditioning" road... now I want to specialize! Now... in what? That is another issue... but I do know that I am not willing to go through that again... not that it was hard or boring, but I deem it ...er... unnecessary. And, heck, it's gonna last 2.5 years!! Just a tad too long for something I am so uncertain about :)

Sooo.... other than that, I have rekindled my old flame - yes yes *sigh*... I am back in the gym. Yeah baby, yeah! *allyuh geh frighten eh? Taut I did get marrid? ent? hehe* If yuh see meh Tae-Boing yesterday... like a massah!

And big... no... HUGE plans for this weekend... get ready... ready? READY???? Dum dum dummmmmm.... I have to babysit and tutor my 9-year-old nephew ALL WEEKEND! Starting tonight!!! Whosalosa?! hehe... *allyuh geh frighten again eh?* My sister went to Jamaica with her luv-ah for a vacation and only realised that her son had his end-of-term tests next week... she called me on the brink of tears (she is so much like me... or the other way around... but anyways... in the sense that she detests asking favours of just about anyone and also hates leaving her kids - like everything she holds near and dear - and the responsibilities that go along with them in the hands of anyone), saying that she has the biggest favour that she could ever ask me... this time, I'm assuming it's to give her a huge sum of money to travel the world in search of her "calling", (ok not really), or (more likey - I thought) for me to make several trips around the country for... something. Who knows - she just made it to be such a big deal! When I heard it was to act as tutor and make sure her kid revises for his test... I laughed at her... she's so cute. He's my favourite (but shh.... don't tell the others!) nephew - and he knows it. I am ever so excited - mommy for a weekend! I'd let you know how that goes.

One other reason I didn't blog all these days... I have some pics I took from the match we watched (against England) - but my sister is yet to send them to me... and now that she is all high on Montego Bay, well, fat chance of that happening anytime soon *snickers*. I was also on TV!!!! After the match, the CNC (Cable News Network) interviewed both my sister and I on our post-match thoughts... I had a big red flag on my cheek and said something like:

No worries boys... it was a bit disappointing, and we did so well for most of it... no probs boys... no probs... we deserve being there, and we'd show it soon... we have one more to go... Paraguay - watch out!

Looking straight in the camera - like telling my opponent to "Bring it!" hehe... *oooooooooooh it's oooonnn!*

Oh gosh... like I making up for lost blogs! A a... ok ok... I'd go for now... Department going out for lunch today!

*Zue zooms outta blogger world, proud to have rekindled the ol' flame *of blogging!!! gotcha again, eh? hear nuh... presh-uh**

I love school... sorta

2006-05-25T15:32:00.000-04:00

Back in school... it's more of sticking to it due to it being familiar rather than really "liking" it... or is that true? Hmm...

I am so indecisive... I am trying to patch that up. Oi.

If that's true, then it's like an old relationship - just having someone because you feel relaxed and ok with them... not necessarily because you really enjoy the essence of them... hehe.

Whatever.

In fact, I have my first exam today, and I'm nevous/anxious... but not really. *to make that worse, I should have straight curly hair with a straight pudgy nose!! Woof*

Actually, I should start packing up to head out...

I called my sis today - she is so stressed about trying to study while having two spoilt and demanding children to do HWs with everyday, a demanding and inconsiderate boyfriend, and a mother who just doesn't understand... she cried hysterically wondering if she could even pass these set of exams and how stressed out she's becoming with worry.

Just then, I counted my lucky stars and said a prayer for her... she's a great soul - but so goes karma: the nice ones get trampled on and taken for granted. Ouch. *God Bless you Suz*

Speaking of karma - I've been battling with this - do you always discard those around who are bad to your karma? I mean, it feels good - like getting rid of stinky trash, or a huge blood-sucking tic... but in Suz's case, where it's her kids and boyfriend and mother... inconsideration rains around her while she is a dear to put up with all of it... but I guess different circumstances here (she cannot abandon her kids... though I kind of got abandoned from my mom - well, she still detests my very breath) - but you got what I mean... Obligations! Where is the line? Hmm...

Anyways, exam time...

*Zuper creeps off to revision land - now how do you chlorinate methane, again?*

BG Challenge-r!

2006-05-24T13:57:00.000-04:00

Yep! The big hike days were last weekend... and I'm alive, and thank God every minute for the experience. I laughed, cursed, got bitten, got angry, laughed, slept, ate, cut rope and bamboo and laughed :)
It was superb - or rather - Zuperb :)

Leg 1: Gorges. I got picked up at 3am on Saturday morning and we headed north east to past Valencia, into Cumaca gorges. I did not go on that leg... it was estimated to be 8 hours for the average team - we did it in under 5 hours. We finished 7th out of 43 teams in this leg. The guys came out with cuts and bruises from hurting themselves on the slippery rocks on the banks of these gorges... I cannot imagine 5 hours of that! One man slipped and hit his ankle so hard that he broke it in three different places - woof.

As soon as we finished, we got the hint to go to Lopinot for the other check point. Bam - as we get there, we see stacks of bamboos - the next task was to build a table and seating thingie out of bamboo and rope. There was an incident of a guy hitting the bamboo with his cutlass - only to miss and cut his leg so deep that the blood didn't stop pouring out for a while. Double woof.

After 2 - 3 hours of building (and as for me - rope measuring and cutting), we got the next hint - head to the Caura ridge. Amazing view! I got ready as I was to do that night leg. It started at 6pm with a bang - we were behind and so we had to run to the front of the crowd. I couldn't talk - these guys were so fit and I felt like my heart would pop out of my mouth if I did. Eventually, as the sun subsided, I picked up the pace - after screaming on seeing some bullfrogs in the path, and getting serious stings from horrid insects on my neck! I ran well enough - heck, one of the guy told me that I have balls, and the other screamed out when I began to keep the pace that he could kiss me :) *Zu still awaits this smackaroo* This hike was dark and Zue stayed at front with a torch light in hand and on strapped to my head. I fell so many times... and each time would warn the others "ROOT!" so as to watch out for any roots or stones that would trip them too. I kept hearing the guys in the back "HEAD!"... after some shouts, I asked what that was about. Apparently, there were things to bump your head into as well, but due to being so short I missed all of them :) hehe... That hike lasted about 4 hours run-walk, and included some rivers. We came in about 8th or 9th.

Back to Lopinot for sleepy time. Well, after a shower and dinner, of course. We laughed and talked until we realised that after coming out of the bush at 10pm, and having dinner til 12-midnight that there was only 4 hours to go before we have to be up again for the next day of hiking. Woof. Sleepy time! I slept so well, shockingly.

Back up at 3:50am (I set my alarm), I had breakfast and got ready for the morning hike that I was on... this time through the Guanapo Gorges. Beautiful!! But so dangerous - the guys held my hand so that we could keep speed and I could keep balance. We swam, climbed, anything we could, and 2-3 hours later or so, we were out. That was the most fun. We made it out in great time too!

The final leg I did not go to - it was a steep and horrid hike uphill for about 2 hours - from Patna Village to Chaguaramas.

All in all, the guys were great, we had so much fun, worked hard, and lost some toe nails.

I can't wait for next year!

*Zuper remembers the time in the woods and smiles... then looks down and sees that she's at her desk again... when will Zu change into her Zuperhero (hiking) clothes again? Stay tuned for more adventures of ZuperZue!*

"Fruits are fun"

2006-05-17T14:12:00.000-04:00

Rohhh Herro there...

Long time, eh?

Excuse? None... temporary mild insanity - perhaps. Actually, for sure.

By the way, I hiked to El Tucuche two weekends ago... the view! One can see from Las Cuevas to Point Lisas Industrial Estate... it's beautiful. It was a tough hike, but I made out ok. I really detested the run down... it's horrid on the knees, and .... well... just horrid!

The BGTT Challenge - the weekend that I have been training for all these weeks - is up and coming - yep, this weekend. And I feel so unfit and actually a bit scared. Some of the guys on my team are super duper fit, and we have to finish as a team, so it'd be a pull and tug to keep up with them - if possible at all.

I've had it up to here with "it's all about me" people... I meet them everywhere. I had become so grumpy and so annoyed by them... but why? Because I was letting them be in my focus! As I let them slip out of focus - yes, they are still there, I just don't concentrate on them too much - I began to feel lighter and able to function without popping. Eliminating bad vibes has been my new mission. I cannot allow myself to act in any way too negative and confusing anymore. *adventure!*

Have you ever noticed the poster at the back of Chef in the cafeteria in SouthPark? "Fruits are fun" - hehe. Now, we allllll know that fruits are one of the lamest things invented/grown/whatevered in, like, life.

Oh, me gots meself a TV and DVD player - whoop whoop. I slapped a mattress infront that TV, and watched SATC, Southpark and a couple movies. I love it!

I also got to talking this week with a Professor at a local University... he suggested that I do a BEng. Who gets another Bachelor's???? Heck, I guess me. Woof. It's free (God Bless T&T's new free-education thingie), it's on afternoons, and I got admitted already. Is there any other sign that I should do it??? hehe... Thank God.

*Zuper vooms into the air - remembering Cartman - as the toothfairy - to Butters: "keep your eyes closed til morning, or I wil kick you in the nuuutttsss"*

Hey Spongebob!

2006-05-05T14:08:00.000-04:00

It's Pat! I love Pat... he's great! So reliable, loyal, innocent... what a great friend! Honestly... have you seen the movie? He was so genuinely happy for Spongebob's supposed 'promotion', that he planned to fly through the sky butt naked with a flag stuck between his butt-cheeks congratulating Spongebob... in public! He was so
appalled when SB was turned down for the Manager's post.. like honestly and genuinely confused.
"WHAT? Why?!"
Too cute. I hope to be just like him when I grow up.

I had mashed potatoes today! Yesh yesh... from a box... but maaaan it's b-e-a-uuuutiful.

Are all men babies? I was talking to a girlfriend of mine - she had a loving boyfriend about 2 years ago... she says he was sweet and almost a perfect match. She wanted to commit - i.e. head towards marriage. He didn't - oh oh, but he DID want to live with her. *woof* Due to this, he broke up with her - she didn't want to live with him without being married. 2 years ago, she was 26 and he was 28. *Now that he's 30, he's getting those 30-something jitters?*

Two years come and go... they talk and lime sometimes. She got a call two days ago - he's ready... he's financially stable, he's ready to commit and ready to pick up where they left off.

Since when it's just on their terms?!? Ladies... honestly, right?

Two years - people change, situations change... there is no "picking up" of where you left off! You left her broken-hearted (that her sweetheart broke it off with her since she wanted a future with him!).. do you reallllly wanna pick up from there? Woof.

Now... the trick is this - he was 'ideal' with one flaw: committment issues. Now that those are gone, shouldn't it be 'better' now?

No wonder God gave woman the job of bearing children - we're the stronger, tougher bunch, and - dare I say - the more mature of the two.

Now mind you - I am one for reformations, and all that... however, to get hurt like that and to go back into it - it's like entering a race as a handicap - or something so.

After asking Nyx whether or not we are just to wait for men to grow up - may it be in breaking up and breaking your heart to try to mend it after they find themselves - she simply put it as this: you meet a guy who's already broken into... you know, like a shoe. I mean... wouldn't you love to have someone else break in your brand-spankin-new leather boots? Avoid the corns and blisters... perhaps it's the same with men. Perhaps. Woof.

A Cruise ship company called me today for a Purser job - however they required an Espanol conversationalist. Oi. I told her that I would do a course, and so that she should keep my name and file on record. This call, however, came through while collecting lunch with the senior engineer sitting right next to me in his car. Oi. He heard, and of course, questioned. Then beans were spilt - I am no longer loyal to my company. Apparently HR sees this position as deadend and plans to keep it that way. He consoled, however, that there are "people behind me" and assured that things would change. Truth be told - I'm indifferent to whether there are or not... it doesn't change the present and I do not trust the future. I would leave here... in a heartbeat. And well, now it's out... now he knows.
I started so enthusiastically... and kept it up for a bit until I spoke to HR - see, functioning is easier when you see a clear future... but when someone 'shuts you down', and the future seems non-existent, flat-lined, and blurry, well, you start a blog! *whops*

I'm now gonna get ready to grab a drink with my girlfriend... TGI :) :)

Weekend - hiking - spending money... oi. Have a good one, though!

*Zu sweeps into her last half hour of toil. Will she find contentment? One day Zu... one day...*

Chefrus maximus

2006-05-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

Ahem ahem ahem!

Da zupa cooked! Yesh yesh... I am having my lunch at this moment - my home-made lunch!

Ok ok... PERHAPS it doesn't reeeeeeally look like the picture, but I am having something very similar... let me begin with yesterday's adventure...

Yesterday afternoon it was a pull and tug on whether to go to the gym or not... I was NOT feeling it! I eventually pulled myself together and came to the conclusion - I would go to the gym for the spin class and aerobics if I get half hour grocery shopping done first. Since the grocery was just below the gym, I went upstairs, reserved my spin seat, put my gym bag in the locker and headed back out for shopping - confident as heck.

I got to the grocery, shopped up a storm - from spaghetti, to sopa dish, and tomato sauce to milk. I felt like a woman... a woman who has her stuff together. Confidence still there - maybe showing a lil 'tude in my walk - I placed the bags in the car and headed back to the gym - just 10 minutes before spin class is to begin. I then strotted back into the changing rooms, got my bag out and proceded.... stripped out of work clothes and into my gym suit. "Man, I feel good."

Tights, sports bra and top, socks... shoes? Shoes?! OMG! I forgot my sneakers at home! At that point I burst into hysterical laughter... what a nut!

So, I had to strip - again - tights, socks, sports bra and top... and back into my work clothes... "Sorry, I won't be able to make it to spin today"... I had to try to keep a straight face while I told the gym receptionist... though it was funny, it is kind of embarrassing!

So I got home earlier than expected - and thus, I cooked up a storm! Put the spaghetti to boil *check*, put the veggies to cook *check* and heat up the tomato/garlic sauce *check*. It looked a bit boring, so I added a crunched-up burger patty into the sauce... voila! Lunch! Spaghetti and meat...er...crunch. It's good, though :)

Cooked, read... but it's now 7pm and I am bored and alone. Sleep wouldn't come, and the book isn't really that good (I ran out of good books! See what no-TV does to you!), so I decided to go to the bank and get the rent money out one time. I was feeling lame, so I dressed in a nice cute mini-skirt with my best shoes and a nice tight top... y'know, when you feel lame and you try to appear "cute" on the outside, it should make you feel better, not so? Hmm...

I drove and drove... found a bank, got the money, and still felt lame. So I headed to the gas station for a refill of Premium Gas... hmm... still don't want to go home. I saw a doubles vendor (yes, at 8:30pm... gotta love Chaguanas) and so stopped to get some - though I had dinner already, my roomie would appreciate it (she had never ever had doubles before!!! Who comes to Trinidad and NOT try doubles! Crassy Grenadian!).

When I got out the car, I realised that there were only guys there... hmph, whatever.

"Two with plenty, and two with none, thanks".... and while taking out my four doubles, the doubles-man (well, boy, really) said something. I didn't hear - my mind was far - thinking about how alone and bored I was.

I begged, "Excuse?"

He repeated, "Who vex ah nice lady like you so?"

Though I shrugged it off, I smiled for the rest of the night. What the heck is wrong with me! I tell you... humans... we are insatiable! Imagine a doubles-guy, with a random statement, made me realise that though I tried to pretty-up the outside, I still looked how I felt - vexed. He'd never know what he did :) He made my night, and hopefully I can keep this in mind for whenever I wanna play like "woooooooooe is me!" again.

Oh, and please check this funny story out:

http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,408852,00.html

Parrot, you is some serious kix, oui! Presh-uh!

Ok, back to work! Or is it...

*Zupah dupah - as satisfied as ever - continues her excel flogging with some smiling and... togging. TOG!*

Pooped!

2006-05-01T10:41:00.000-04:00

Loango! Loango! Loango! That's what you have to shout when you climb the Loango hill (near Maracas). One of the steepest, toughest hills I've ever faced. However - we did ok - it took me 45 - 50 mins from the stream at the bottom before I could shout these words at the top of my lungs. That was Saturday morning. 'Twas a blast.
After this I went for some eats and drinks with my coworkers - again, 'twas a blast. The company can suck ras sometimes, however the department is really a nice group.
Then I met with Maria for QRC's fundraising food-a-thon! :) Again, 'twas a blast! I love spending time with the girl... she has me rolling all the time (remember, Maria: "Hmm...Austrailian homemade ice-cream in Antigua...*places index finger on mouth with puzzled curious look on face* Oh! And what about you having a degree in Philosophy... Psychology... oh darn, same thing! :) :) )

By the time I hit my bed, I was over-exhausted.

Got to shut my eye long enough to rest up before work that very morning - yep - Sunday morning. Though I delayed it, I did the inevitable and crawled out of bed - got the work done so that today is a tad easier - heck, I have time to do this, now don't I? :)

Needless to say I do NOT feel rested. Today is wha? Monday? How??? There was a weekend? You have GOT to be kidding me...

Today - no gym. (OMG - Zuper has OTHER plans? Has the world spun out of its axis yet??) Yesh yesh... Real reason - though I got pots (lovely lovely pots...) I gots nada to cook..... dude! So yuh girl heading to the grocery... my very first real grocery shopping trip. Like, where I buy things like salt (who buys salt??? I thought the salt just like appeared in the cupboard and, like, never ran out) *zu just got blond streaks magically - cause: saying "like" more than two times in one sentence*....... actually, I don't know what else to buy! Well, this would be an adventure, now wouldn't it?! *or like the Jamaicans say "don't it?"*

Actually - skip the salt... it's not healthy anyways.

Ok, back to work... can you believe I have a very important report to complete by - er - now, however I'm waaiiitttinnngg for some contractors to give me a figure or two, and that ain't gonna happen until the next hour or so. Finance awaits! *snickers*

*Zu continues her evil laughing - thinking of the hungry Accountants that just have to sit and waiiiitttt - muah-hahahhaha. How would the adventure of the report and grocery trip go? Stay tuned... *

Of birds and bees...

2006-04-26T10:30:00.000-04:00

... well, not really :)

Take a look! It's Zupa on Turtle Rock! The guy with the stick is our leader (*All hail Brian!*) and the other lady is the Engineering Specialist at my company - Liz.
It doesn't look like it, but we are very very high above sealevel on this rock that looks like a turtle's head sticking out into the deep blue in Paria (north coast of Trinidad). When the waves hit this rock, it splashes about 50 - 100 ft... or more! It was magnificent! The rock itself is about that height! So nice, eh? :) :)
Well! Again, this week has been gymming, and last weekend was hiking - whoop-tee-doo. Surprised, huh? Hehe... We went to Negmawah - a short but difficult hike - again, on the north coast on the way to Maracas. It got its name from slavery days - the French were not allowed to go there, and it became a place where the slaves would run to and escape - I can't remember the exact meaning of the word, nor which language it is, however it means basically what I just described it to be :)
That was on Saturday.
On Sunday, we went with a hiking club to the Central Range - to the Navet Dam. It was tough on my knees and ankles! Through the teak forest, there were so many rocks - big and small - so if you didn't skid on them, you twisted your ankle trying to find a path leading to the least bumsee-falls! I did, however, fall... yep, but in the dense part of the forest - on a root. All in it, ent?

This weekend... guess what my plans are... you'd NEVER expect it :) hehe... What? How'd you know I was going hiking???? Darn! You're like, psychic or something... did you study Psychology?! *Get it, Karla and Maria??? hehe*

And guess what I'll be doing this evening? This is a tricky one... :)
HUH?!?! Yes, it is training in the gym... maaaan... you're gifted! Freaky...

Hehe... ok, back to the grind - I mean, work :)

*Zuper dashes back into the land of ammonia production - now where did that steam go?*

Another week!

2006-04-21T08:11:00.000-04:00

I'm horrible! Na... just busy again. This week I attended a three-day conference for a catalyst company (today is the last of the three days - so I'll be off in a bit again).

It's been going so well... got me thinking about a career in Chemical/Process Engineering - well, I'm already in the industry, surrounded by them... so why not? There is so much money to be made - it's luring me! Seductive... sultry.... me loves making money.

I have two more hikes this weekend... but I gots to get me new shoes... the last pair gave out on me on the way back from Paria - tut tut. See why I love money? It takes care of these things...

I'm reading the same Coehlo book... going very well. There are - as all of Coehlo's books - so many beautiful quotes... truthful quotes, actually - that's what makes them so much more beautiful:

"A fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from the hundredth. If I have to fall, may it be from a high place."

Somewhat true, ain't it? And beautiful - here, a woman is talking about falling in love - feeling the love right there, while battling the urge to be logical as the natural fear of losing him starts to kick in with the love growth.

Another quote has to do with the fact that when one person really wants you, everyone does, however when you are alone, no one desires you - "life is strange like that".

I am now eating an aloo-pie (potato-pie) with some serious amchar and pepper and grates cucumber... hear nuh! Fire!!!! Yummmmmmmm

*Whatever happened to getting thin to fit into my skinny jeans???*

It can wait :P My skinny jeans will always be there... this pie won't!

I want to be contentttttttted... so I'm gonna try. Ok, gotta go... takeeee care!

*Zue swishes to ponder becoming a Chem. Eng.*

A week!

2006-04-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

... a full whole week! I have been busy up to my ears - kinda :)

Well! I have moved - fully. New curtains, packed away clothes, and slept on my bed in the new apartment for 5 nights now. It is going very very well. My roomie is cool, and we respect each other's space. However, she seems to be 'good' friends with the young indian girl from the next apartment... and - well - I don't fancy her boldfaceness. She comes in our apartment, and sits on our couch.... "Allyuh need a TV - right here so", and she gestures just infront of her. As I opened my eyes on Sunday morning - "Aye, mornin'... soooo what you gonna do for the rest of the day?"
Other irritating questions include - "You have a boyfriend?", "Yuh doh want to get cable? Wanna come over to watch TV?", "Yuh doh be bored?" and the like.
In true Ally McBeal stylin', I was running up to her and doing a body slam right there on the kitchen tiles, however, I smiled and answered - very generally. "No", "Going to mom's for lunch", "No", "No", and "No, thanks". She must think I'm a prude. Heck - she's only 19... she probably thinks alot of not too correct things. *yaow-sa!*

Apparently, me moving out is just what the doctor prescribed - my mom is not talking bad about me! Next step - having her look at me without scorn. I'm working on it (yes, by staying away - in my family, sitting and talking things out is NOT the way to go... not even an option!)

I've been home, though, a couple times this weekend - my baby bro fell ill with Bell's Palsy, and so I go to visit him, massage his face to get his motor skills in order... lawd-'a-mercy.

Also for the weekend, I went hiking! Up to Paragrant - man, 1 hour down, 1.5 hours uphill... steep, steep uphill. This really is training for the BGTT Energy Challenge... you know, on each and every hike that I do, I swear to GOD that I would NEVER EVER IN LIFE do another hike... yet who is the first to sign up??? Whew...
I swore on the hike that I was gonna die - right there and then, with the hill so steep that my nose almost touched the floor when walking up. However, I tried my best - with water, Gatorade, and carb snacks - to keep up... I really tried...
Can you believe that they (my company) chose me to be on the Challenge team????????????????? "You have GOT to be frickin' kidding me!!" - Yeah, this is what I STILL think... Now, I am not trying to be modest and humble, nor am I out to impress anyone... I really and honestly do think that I am way too unfit, and didn't do too well. However, Monday morning, I see people coming up to me - "hey, heard you did well on the hike." Errr.... ah-say-whaa? Seeeeriously... I am gonna really train at the gym - cardio-wise because the major problem was catching my breath.
And yes - thus far, I am the only woman... woof.

No - I really am not being modest and nice ... I really am a bit worried about my fitness and I think they (being the team) are mistaken... but I'm gonna work on it. We got another training hike on Saturday to Paria. God be with me. *Oh yes, I real real prayed on that hike!!!*

Why do you feel the need to constantly compare ourselves to external things? How can we control it? Can we really be just sufficiently content with what we are and have without gauging ourselves with others? When does the standard setting begin and end with our own selves? I mean... I'm all for good competition and beneficial comparison... well, not "for" it, but I get that it's somewhat human nature as it comes so naturally when in a society... but man!
I've been trying to control mine... give it some boundaries. It's slowly hitting me that different circumstances means different paths and different choices/values/etc. and so in that comparison sorta gets grey around the edges. By getting into activities - hiking, gymming, charity-ing - I felt a bit more content with myself, and stopped looking at the girl who makes so much more money than I do and who drives a newer car. But for sure - it doesn't stop - maybe like energy, it changes form, but never dies. Who knows... what I saw is that now I compare myself to - say - her in a different light - just not as competitive. I can blab eh? Presh-uh!

That's what you get for reading; reading sux arse (Southpark - episode with the chicken 'lover').

*Zue hikes to a level-er ground*

Bizzy!

2006-04-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

I swear - I love being busy, but man! Sometimes a deadline can hover over your head until you gets the jobs done-s!

How you doin'? *Joey style*

Well! I got me an apartment! No pictures yet, and well, not for a little while again... I gotta get pillows and curtains that I like... but I got me my key, met the neighbours - and I'm all excited again!

Yes - I did get some balls and spoke to mom - but it went by so briefly - she had nothing else to say but, "Whatever Sue-Ann... your decision". Woof.

Do you know that NAMBLA is a real organisation???? Maaaannn... whew! And the way these men flower-up these relationships (Man/boy love or just boylove ... or worse Christian Boylove!) is just... well, incorrect! Ach...

Tell me - isn't this a natural thing? If you know someone that you trusted wholeheartedly, then they break that trust - not once - not twice - but several times... you get to a point where you just expect to find them doing something that required a "little white lie". Not so? I think it is... it is almost human nature - I mean, that's how we learn! For instance - you put your hand on the pretty fire... you get burnt. You try it again - maybe a different looking flame - you get burnt again that feels pretty darn much the same as the last one. The next time, you touch it with caution and second guessing yourself - yes, it is flame, so you get burnt. So, you learn - FIRE BURNS. It's the same principle, I think, with human emotional hurt - sort of. I mean, you eventually expect to get hurt/lied to/crushed by someone that has done it countless times before, right?

I hate weakness...

Anyways - so I'm buying pillows and stuff today - whoo hoow!

I'll keep you posted... *hehe*

*Zuper zips off into another dimension - hopefully with new insight and outsight on her current situations*

Month-end madness

2006-04-03T09:32:00.000-04:00

So, the major part of my job is preparing monthly reports on the site and plants. This goes to Canada to the "Corporate" - as they call it - and so apparently it's vital. But what a vital pain in the rear it can be! Now, mind you - it ain't difficult... once you keep track of things on a daily/weekly basis, yuh business fix... now, it can be tediously monotonous, and this can get the mind to go lazy on me... and so instead of viciously pursuing any anomalities, I let it slip me by. There seems to be a problem that keeps occuring - concerning audit stuff - basically, something ain't right! Figures don't add up, and well - figures = dollars in business. Now, I can't produce anything - I just dance the dance with the figures. However I am the one expected to "know" and "recommend"... so I do know there is a big project up and coming soon...

I have to reissue some part of the report...

*Zue vooshes off to correction-land!*

Balls-less snazz

2006-03-31T08:10:00.000-04:00

... but snazz nonetheless!!!

When I tell you SNAZZ! I am wearing - ahem - one of the snazziest jackets I have EVER seen... it fits like perfection - small and neat - and so uber-comfy. Whew.

Balls-less... yes, still did not bring it up with mom... will call her today - *I think*.

On the note I ended on last time - can you believe the horrid act was performed by two 14-year-old boys??? Want to know the even more horrid part of that? At that age, they will not get convicted, but rather sent to some dysfunctional boys' home where they can do it again! So today we - in Trinidad - wear black as a nation to mourn little Sean Luke and to protest this horrid killing. He is now in a better place, though, where the pain of his death is forgotten and long past. Bless God.
I was very upset about it - but this is not the first and only situation of the sort - once, in England, some teenaged boys lured some young boys from their families in a shopping mall, took them to the train tracks and tied them onto it, sat and waited for the trains to come and roll over them... I wanted to barf... but my sister said something - we are in no way to judge them, though we want to and do it by default, but we have no idea what is the truth going on behind all these acts, and thus we should trust that God - in His infinite wisdom - does what He sees as fit. God Bless each and every situation and each and every soul involved.

There is a story that I always hold near:

Two men - one passes by and kicks a nearby cat. The other - well - does something else much less violent... who is the more holy?

Ans: The man who kicked the cat... why? Because - due to his past and current situations, what he wanted to do to that cat was far worse than kicking it - but he held back. The other man had grown up in a good family - no major issues, and had no real pull-back in doing what he did.
It's all about restraint - and we know how hard it is to restrain ourselves from doing something we think - in our finite wisdom and understanding - is fair and due. Only God knows peoples hearts and only He knows that each situation is different and all cannot be judged with the same manner.

God really does wow me with his wisdom - like each and every time!

Want to have some fun? Like to pop bubblewrap? Have fun:

http://mariemarie0000.free.fr/fichiers/images/pop.swf

hehe...

Yesterday was a holiday, and I lazed and dazed until everyone decided to go to the Savannah - the kids with their bikes and footballs, and the adults with the food, drinks and money for everything else :) It was such a blast - family time really can't be beat - no matter what is going on.

I am strangely excited... no one is really here this morning (took the Friday after the holiday off), and monthly reports are due - just got an assignment to give another report using data from fadda-knows-when... yet, there's something great about today - and I hope it isn't just the way my jacket fits!

*Zuper sweeps off into the air - keeping an eye out for that special something that is in the air*

About Having Balls

2006-03-29T07:49:00.000-04:00

Another day, another dollar - or two.

I just didn't have the balls last night to tell mommy that I'm moving... I did, however, talk to my stepdad about it - he seems neither here nor there. He really brings be back to earth with his humble and unfluffy ways. I mean - he really does take the fluff out of situations until you're like "ooohhh, so that's the real deal!" His main concern is safety and, well, living with a stranger - which are two major ones. When I mentioned, "I just don't know how to tell mommy" with my usual worry look - I guess hoping for some sorta reaction to it - he replied, with a shrug, "how yuh mean, jess tell her" then mutters something inaudible or Japanese - not too sure :)

Having my first cuppa tea for the morning, sitting in my floral shirt and just-washed hair - it took me 20 minutes to 'clear it out' this morning - ach! It's getting too long and frustrating now. And just when I get the urge to cut it all off or grow ras, I read my girl's post this morning:

http://parrotpot.blogspot.com/

I'm sooooo gleaming! Like, super happy for her! *Am I gay or what?* I just so know that feeling... and having been feeling like the uber-opposite recently, it's like - personal hit home :) *Can't wait to see it, Parrot*.

I heard something horrid on the radio - so so horrid... a 6 year-old boy was found raped and brutally killed... I couldn't listen to the story, nor do I wish to read it - how puking horrid! I pray for his mom, and for justice to be served... God, honestly... please let this insanity stop. I have so many nephews... I can't imagine what demon-possessed soul would fathom such a though....

On that note - I feel all down again... it has really rocked not just me - an individual - it has rocked the nation...

Say a prayer.

*Zuper exits with a prayer*

Hello?!?!

2006-03-28T08:15:00.000-04:00

Morning :)

Well, I didn't rest too much last night - actually, when I got home, my elder sister was there, and we hung out for a bit, until I even went over to her place to have a cuppa tea and talk/relax. My stiff neck was just getting worse, and everytime I lay down and got up, the top of my head would rock like something was going to fall out. But I just couldn't sleep... so we talked and limed until about 10pm, then I left her to hit 'my' bed - where I slept like a baby - well, a stiff-necked baby, at least :)

And I did eat a lil somethin' somethin' when I got home... though my stomach is no better - nor is my appetite. Ach.

I figure there's a bug of some sort going around... and I caught it. But added to this, I believe it is stress related - my mom is really onto me - she even went on to tell my elder sis, Suz, to encourage me to move out so I can get outta her face. It hurts to hear this... because really, I'm not too sure what I'm doing wrong - heck, she doesn't even let me know! She just pouts and 'blows hard' when I'm around. Anyways! None of that on this blog!!

This morning, all the Chemical Engineers came together to discuss why pressure is greater as you go down a pipe... now, mind you, no one is talking to me - in fact, the are downright excluding me here... I'm the only one in the office who wasn't asked if they knew why it is so...

HERROOOO?!?!?!? I did study Physics!!! I really am not considered much here - and my intelligence is not appreciated. Ah well - everything for a time, right? This is not the end of the world, nor does it have to be my one and only job and destiny :) hehe...

Ok! So what to do about that??? Go on to an MPhil. in, like, Physics or Mechanical Engineering??? Who knows... I'm trying. But the CFA is another option - just a more foreign one. It may bring more security in terms of job, title, etc... however, suppose I appreciate higher study in Mechanics?! Where the heck is that gonna take me - who knows... pull and tug... but me gotsta make up me mind!

*What will it be... will Zuper take on the life of security or would she dive into the world of research and academia... stay tuned, and keep reading The Adventures of ZuperZue!*

Un-hungry

2006-03-27T11:45:00.000-04:00

I can't stand it... not even the thing that makes me sorta happy is working for me today... I AM NOT HUNGRY!!! It's so very frustrating...

You know, there's something about being stuck that's irritating and frustrating, but even more worser - being unhappy AND stuck. The worst! I mean... if you were unhappy yet seeing some sorta relief... that woulda been just a tad better... but the feeling of stagnating unhappiness... woof. That's how I feel from time to time...

I wonder if moving out would assist this a bit... for instance - I really don't feel up to par today. I would love to go home and rest... peace and tranquility for a bit. But that's frustrating since - well - there is not peace and quiet in my mom's house. Nor do I have my own space... so that's a bust. And I know if I go to the gym (got a training partner, abs class and Spin class waiting for me this evening) I'd frustrate myself even more - I won't be productive (cuz I just ain't eating!!!) or effective. Ach. So in this way, moving out would assist the situation.

I have a headache just thinking about it all...

Should I skip the gym and everything altogether and call up a friend and hit the cafe? Catch a movie? Ah - man - all I wanna do is read my book (current reading: By the River Piedra I Sat and Wept by Paulo Coehlo) in a quiet, cool place until I fall right asleep in no time... and rest this headache/icky feeling away.

The most horrid thing though - it's midday, I ain't eat nothin' yet, and my stomach is still churning thinking about food... how sick or frustrated can I be?!?!!? I mean, I ain't no eating fanatic, but I have always had a healthy appetite... woof. This has never ever happened to me before... not even during the most stressful exam times.

Random bit - you know my friend "Odwa" told me that he thinks I got to be even more undecisive and unsure of myself since he last talked to me (last year)... how horrid!! At 22, shouldn't I have a bit more going on? A tad more stability?? Holy crap - are you seeing this post??? If my unsureness were any clearer here... hmm... woof.

"You're not having lunch?", a coworker just came in and asked.

"Nope - just not hungry." I think it shocked him just as much as it initially shocked me.

*Zuper flies off back to her excel sheet*

Long weekend!

2006-03-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

Well, herro there :)

No Friday post as I *ahem* took a day off - so I had a looong weekend :) I have vacation to take, but didn't think it necessary just yet, so I just took one day on Friday - and went to the beach with an old friend (for those who know him - Jonathan - yep - "Odwa"). We always have a blast together, and so - well - I had a blast :)

The beach (Maracas for those who know) was wonderful... white-ish sands, blue-ish waters... and the beautiful purple jellyfishes that came up ever so often... yep - it's that season. Well, the day didn't start with just the beach... I went very early in the morning to the bank to make my wire transfer to the money vampire *brrrrr* - i.e. IUB tuition postponement thingie. That was heck - first stood up in the wrong line for half hour, then stood up in the correct line for about 15 mins... then realised I didn't have enough info - thank God for Maria and my cellphone... I got the info, and made that painnnffuuulll money transaction to that bloody bank on Am Brill, Bremen... ouch!

Called up Jon right after to let him know that I was on my way... of course just running back home to pick up my NEWWWW swimsuit (I bought two on Thursday!!! If yuh seeeee nicenessss) and a blankie to lay on... with my mom all puffy-faced, I went to get Jon and off to Maracas... it was so cool. Got a wonderful tan too! And - woof - there was like a truck load of Christian Youth Camp tourists too... and when they were leaving, a guy came up to me "um, aren't you Christian?" I was like "er... yeah..." He goes on "Well, they're leaving... aren't you with them??" By the way... these tourists were white white white - like, glowing white eh!! At that time, I burst out laughing - with my Smirnoff bottles at my ankles in the sand and my tiny black string bikini just barely covering what the sun shouldn't get - "Um, no I'm Trini!" He burst out laughing too "Oh my goodness! Your accent is Trini - my bad!" It was hysterical. Firstly because - well - he thought I belonged to the white white white tourist group, and then because he'd think I was going to a Baptism with the church camp in my skimpy bikini, drinking Smirnoff and wild-playing with Jonathan!!!

Wooooooo hooooow - just got my payslip - money is INNN the bank! Thank you JESUS (well, yeah, NOW you could mistake me for the Christian Group Leader!).

I feel horrible today... stiff neck, upset stomach, body feeling weak... I guess you get that after a horrible weekend - blah.

And the saga with my mom continues - whatever. Long stupid story that I won't get into... HOWEVER - light at the end of the tunnel!!! I may move! I checked out the apartment in Chaguanas... nothing too great, but I would make the move ASAP.

Let me go do a bit of work... I'll hit you up laterrrrrr-o.

To infinity, and beyond!

Lunchtime

2006-03-23T12:06:00.000-04:00

Salad and baked chicken - yum!

So - the team (Process Engineering at PCS) is gonna get polo jerseys and shirts made... and they (mostly men) ask for my input as to what colours - I chose Lilac and Lime green - of course, they were NOT the most popular colours... darn! But then again, imagine a group of about 10 men walking around in lime green or lilac shirts - that would be pretty darn funny :) *hears 'Macho Man' playing in the background - Macho macho man... I want to be, a macho man....

Today is Tae-Bo day... I called the landlady about the apartments (well, furnished rooms, rather) and TOLD THAT MISSY that today is NOT a good day to check it out - hehe. Just kidding... it's me first for real, though - workout first, then perhaps - if my ras ain't too tired - something after. However, I did get an appointment for Saturday morning to see the rooms. There are two available - and now thinking about it... it's scary, ain't it? Living alone... being independent... woof.

But - heck - I am The ZuperZue and I see eating a sandwich as an adventure! Can't wait to see what lies ahead of just about any action taken... I mean, a ripple can cause a wave... and whatever we choose to do now, will have a long lasting impact in how things turn out.

I do pray for the best... there is one major thing I want to get over... and I have my trust in God that I do get over it...

*It = being severly hurt by a loved one*

Ok! My salad and chicken are officially cold - who knows what will happen now!

*Zuper swooshes back to lunch - bis dann!*

Ta ta ta daaaaa!

2006-03-23T07:54:00.000-04:00

Herroo there! My very first post... on my very first blog/online diary!
I thought it necessary, and inspired by my lovely GreenParrot... I hope I can keep up. We'll see.

Sooo.... I'm 22/f/trinidad - oh wait, that's for chatting! Hehe... really though - I'm back in the tropics *hears steelpan music in the background*, working in the energy sector - it's amazing how rich this country could be. I guess we are, in a sense, but some of the people don't see it/benefit from it... instead, low salaries remain low for the lower class locals, while we pay foreigners (already coming in at a higher class) exorbitant disposable salaries. Woof.

Anyways! I am grateful for what I got and for where I am - God blessed me, and I always should remember this. Heck - I can pay off my loans, I have a car, and soon enough - *please sit for this one* - I may have an apartment of my own! Well, renting - sure - but at least it would be 'mine', somewhat.

Why is this such a big deal? Well, ever since I returned to my humble home on the island, I haven't really been able to 'settle'... my room at my mom's house was transformed to my little brother's playroom, the guest room even seems to be more of a store room these days... and there ain't no push to make it a "Sue-Ann" room. So I've been spending my nights in the room that used to be my parent's... hmm... I sleep there, my clothes are in my old room somewhere next to my baby bro's toys, and I just fit in wherever else. Yep - it's still home, but sometimes the selfish part of me says "hey, I want my own space".

So, my big (not FAT! just elder!!) sister - Suzette - got some info on some apartments near where I work - in Chaguanas... I got the number of one particular room near the main road - supposed to be brand new rooms for TT$1,000... not bad AT ALL. Catch? Yep - shared kitchen and WC (toilet/bath)... hmm. Will still check it out perhaps this week. I'll keep you 'posted' - get it? Posted? As in, I post stuff here... hehe... woof.

Ok! So, I'm at work... and should go back to being all Statistician-y... so I'll hit you up lil later.

Zuperrrr to the rescue!