So Unsexy

Oh these little rejections
how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think
I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me


When we see a supposed stable individual, we automatically think – wow, I’d give anything to be of such sound mind. Well, is there such a thing as feeling contentment 24/7? Is it possible to achieve perfect calmness and stability in this life?

I’d use the excuse – oh, when I get more money, or oftentimes, yeah, I’d get to that when my life stabilizes a bit more, or even: wouldn’t it be perfect if I had more power/authority/popularity??… It would always be perfect WHEN ____ happens. What total BS! But I’m sure not the only one who uses such excuses daily. Let’s look at the factors already mentioned:

Money: Sure, money can bring a form of comfort and security *dribbles and daydreams – mmmmm… financial stability….* But I’ve had a good-ish salary before, and I still didn’t feel like I was on any certain great path or self-awareness, self-satisfaction, or felt like any liver-of-life (ew… liver…). As a matter of fact, I did some pretty darn stupid things! Besides, Britney has so much money, and she still shaved her head and married K-Fed.

Stability: What does that even mean? I think I have an idea, but any time I try to act out the image in my head, I feel like a square peg in a not-so-square hole. There are so many variables in the stability equation… I mean, it could be seen as time-dependent, income-dependent, whatever-floats-your-boat-dependent! Besides, I thought Britney – on paper – should be stable… and well, she still shaved her head and married K-Fed.

Power/authority/popularity – Look, Britney shaved her head and married K-Fed... k?

I’m not saying that these things don’t help with stability… they could have major impacts on they way people live, and as such in their lives and well-beings… however, none of them seem to be “it”. I guess the question is, what is “it” then? Wait, is there even an “it”???

I want “it”… I want “it” good…

Some would say that religion is “it”. Some may even argue that love in general is “it”. I’ve dabbled in both – and though strong contenders – I don’t think they are “it”… in fact, God does put you through trials and tribulations, and there are times when you’d still feel down and out, insufficient, inept, indeed! – so there’s never a 24/7 total control of “feel good” time. Love: for sure we’ve all had hands-on experience that even when it does feel like “it”, that feeling fades, disappears, or even reappears stronger in another source! We all know that each and every relationship – no matter now deep – we still fall – in and out, up and down, all over! Such motion is NOT representative of stability.

But still… there are some people out there that have that look… that certain something that tells me – hey, I’m a happy person. Now, I can think of why they’re happy, and when they’re happy, but I’m sure it ain’t 24/7. Maybe just realizing that could help…

“’Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knowsHow to make it work, or how to ease the hurtWe’ve heard it all before, that everybody knowsHow to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try”

His surname ain’t Legend for nuthin!

*Misery loves company*

No no… not that extreme

*But it’s the idea*

Well, not really – if you view it that way, then there could be some side effects to taking that pill… bitterness, jealousy, negativity… just plain ol’ nastiness! It’s more like an acceptance that whatever ideal you have in your head, it will never be without its own ups and downs and sideways… that there are highs and lows to experience in everything and everywhere, and that your reaction and perception can play a heftier role than such externalities!

Let the tears mean something – don’t let them fall in vain. Learn from your always-there-friends: Sorrow and Pain.

Taste the clouds when you’re up high – appreciate and always remember those times.

And never… ever… EVER let a perception of you define you- let it remain as purely a perception, never reality. This is a battle I’m currently facing, and I’m yet to see the end. I want Victory so bad, but my vision is so blurred by what I’m seen to be – I can’t see past those who hold such opinions (yep, they’re not just in my way, they’re fat too!).

One thing is for sure – I ain’t throwing in the towel… I’m a-fightin’ on.

*But I don’t wanna…*

Well, yuh hafta…



*And I hope one day you’ll see, nobody has it easy…*