Ah Swipe off the 'S' offa Superman Chess, so Doh Tess

Heck, ANYONE can be Jamaican when it comes to Blog Titles!

Soooooooooooo

I'm going through some sorta test... it has to be. IT HAS TO BE. There is no way on earth that what is happening around me is "just the way it is". I refuse to believe it. So don't try to tell me otherwise...

Awrite... maybe you can try, and maybe I'd listen... but!

Anyways - I had a super duper weekend with the fam and folk at a wonderful house in the hills just before Maracas Bay... it was most relaxing, enjoyable and filling!

I should've known this was a well deserved calm before a storm...

*You mean the tornado that hit Central on the Sunday?!*

Er... well, no. (But what the heck! Tornado in TnT?!) I mean, a more personal, internal storm...

Monday morning, and I'm bright and chirpy (with dark hair! sooooooooooooo many signs to a dark day... but I had to get serious! And blonde-fun... well... there's a season... and, well... new dark roots... anyhooooooooz) - feeling all serious and organisy (did I mention - brunette!) I spoke to one of my groupmates, got us a huddle room to have a final meeting concerning thesis write up structure and responsibilities, got a white-board marker, got my diary, had a coffee and just waited for the Bleh Bleh Bleh to grace us with her presence - anticipating the meeting.

Laugh laugh... check emails - send some...

Bam. She reach.

Bam - meeting start.

Bam - say WHAT?!

Wait wait wait wait... let me count that... of 20 chapters, I am responsible for writing up 4?! Buh wah de mudda... Let me count that AGAIN.... eh eh!

"Uh... no, I did this, so I will take credit for it..."

Wait... she is trying to SPEAK OVER ME?! Wait wait wait... am I getting royally effed in the a? I certainly am...

Waited for her to silence herself.

"Nope - I was responsible for this, therefore it's mine"

"ok"

Alright - I'm up to 6... but wait, other chick is still at 4...

"No, wait... we need to deal with the fact that you have most sections and J still has just 4..."

Hooooollllld up - is she MAKING UP minor sections for J?! Kyah kyahhhh... this cannot be happening... I had to laugh to clear the steam from my head and the curse words from coming up my throat...

"Nope... disagree... to be fair, we need to do this and this..."

Ok!

Wait... from this excel matrix here, BBB: 9 chapters, J: 8 chapters... Zu: 7?! Now 24 Chapters... and I'm being given credit for 29% of the workload?!?!!?!?!?! Muthah feckah...

Email to BBB and J:

Here is the matrix for the write up - naturally, I'm not happy.

No response....

Steam accumulates... I take a walk. Steam dissipates...

Gets a call - two "bottom of the barrel" guys from my MSc. class get desirable Reservoir Eng. positions...

This is not happening...

Zu breaks down...

I'm getting effed in the A from my own project, and now those less deserving are reaping unwarranted rewards!

*Heeeeeeeyyy - nasty attitude there missy!*

Ah know... but honest - that's how I felt :(

I sat there, infront my monitor, from 5pm to 8pm... numb. I had already cried and cussed my heart out...

I've failed. Whatever test this was, I failed miserably.

Dust it off, Zu!

Email to BBB and J:

Guys,
I'm not satisfied with having 29% share in the write-up, so here are my proposals to fix this (inserted new matrix with changes). My pick would be proposal 1 - each of us having a 1/3 share of the writeup responsibilities.
If we cannot agree on any, please feel free to add to the proposals - once it's fairly distributed. I know I surely had more than 29% share in the actual work, and that's why I am not comfortable with the uneven share.

J replied:

Agreed - BBB, what do you think?

Nothing...

Midday - still nada.

"Uh... BBB, did you see....?"

"Uh... yeah - uh... working on it"

I go get me a coffee / steam-lifter break.

J comes to me: "Um... BBB says cool - good to go"

That's just when I took myself out the race... I'm not begging for a teammates approval anymore, nor am I fighting in a war that leads to a deceitful victory - I've pulled myself out of this "master-subject" relationship BBB's pushing on me, and I tell myself that I am in no way her competitor - I never was, but I allowed her to use be as a benchmark...

No more *Yes Parrot... no more!*

It's a choice, and I choose no.

I've started my write up, set up meetings to complete the work I've done thus far... I'm trying to keep busy so as not to get myself in situations like that again...

I don't yet know how to deal with people like this, so for now I'm blocking it all off... since the meeting, I've been very point blank in my correspondence with BBB... this is what I need for my protection ... Until I know better.

And get this - she's been taking most of the credit anyways I've realised - she's not in today, and our Supervisor came to see her, told me about a meeting they had earlier, and guess what... it's all work that myself and J shared over the past couple months... and he seems to think she's the shiznit.

I'm actually ok with that - NOW. Before it ticked me off to the max... but now, what can I do?

I have to focus on my write up and presentation skills... on the 26th, one day after my 26th (wink), we present for the Operator, and I need to pull it together!







Lord - grant the Zu a blessed day... Zu needs it!

"We regret to inform you... "

Yeah, I got one of those letters... no plaid-skirted men for me this year.

I feel a transition coming on... you know those times in your life where you're neither here nor there, but you're on a move... it's exciting, really. Well, it's not EXACTLY 'exciting' the first time around... I remember just before my first job, fresh outta jub-jub, the anxiety was deafeningly loud. Or what about that time when I had resigned from 'hell' without knowing if I was accepted into uni.

Thank God for the cushions he's surrounded me with - I've always either landed on my feet, bounced right back, or had a good crash with a comfortable ending to have a good nap on.

I was a bit disappointed - though not shocked - by this morning's news. I also got the news when my Super-Guy was just next to me... when I read the email out loud, he didn't even twitch before reassuringly patting my leg, repeating discussions we've been having alot recently - i.e. other opportunities, pending applications yet to be answered, new possibilities to research.

The older I get, the more crucial the decisions become, yes, but that doesn't equate nerve-biting breakdowns and disappointments. It's almost condradicting itself - when you're younger, you have "more time to make mistakes and quickly learn from them", and though this is true, disappointments seemed tougher back then. Perhaps I've learnt how to handle let-downs and the assurance of the fact that something's gotta give at some point helps. Also, maybe I trust my decisions more so now than before, and being more confident in myself, I understand and accept the competition.

*Soooo... you believe in "what is for you, is for you?"*

Heck-a, no. I say it sometimes, but I don't believe in it. I trust in the fact that I have a hand in everything I do - good and bad. Perhaps because I know people to live by this rule and sit back and let life live for them. Bleh... leaves a bad taste just typing it.

There are reasons why I did not get that post... reasons based on my past, on the interview impression, the written essay, other people's past, their interview impressions, their written essays, emotional judging, academic judging, common-sense-ical judging... I can't be exhaustive here - the list will be too long and I'm not capable of coming up with all options on my own. I have a part to play in those things, and in some of the other things I actually could not control. And ma-ma-mah... I'm fine 'n' dandy with that, yessir.

There are a few other things up in the air, but my project wrap-up is crucial at this point... it's make or break, and I intend to be made.










*Zuper flashes off into thin-bedded pay - the land of bleh-bleh-bleh's and headless chickens!*